Kafkaesque

Maniacal machinations in Foxboro; facts are stupid things
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  June 12, 2013

It was only fitting that when the New England Patriots signed professional God-botherer Tim Tebow on Tuesday, they let go of back-up quarterback Mike Kafka. Tebow’s coming to the Pats was indeed a disorienting metamorphosis moment that old Franz K. and Gregor Samsa would have recognized.

Tebow’s obnoxious displays of publicly promoting his Christianity will doubtless get a wet blanket thrown on them by Pats’ head ramrod Bill Belichick, who has infused the New England franchise with his ironclad “there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’ ” philosophy. And with the shocking acquisition of Tebow, Belichick is once again showing his legendary commitment to contrarian behavior, although he will probably stop short of demanding to be called “B. Diddy,” “Snoop Billy Bel,” or rushing the stage to snatch the microphone out of Taylor Swift’s hands at her next Gillette Stadium concert.

It was bad enough the Pats let perhaps the purest, most talented football player in the NFL, Wes Welker, go to the Denver Broncos, where he’ll team up with another titanic, Tebow-esque, goody two-shoes and New England nemesis, Peyton Manning. (As P&J have mentioned here before, one of the best T-shirts we’ve seen reads “Peyton Sucks” on the front and “And so does Eli” on the back.) But bringing in Tebow is just an avoidable annoyance.

Given Belichick’s Kafkaesque approach to the modern game of football, expect to see Tebow anywhere on the field other than quarterback. Running back or tight end is where he will end up . . . or faux QB who everyone in the stadium knows will take off on an option play if he lines up under center. If not, expect to see him as a safety on defense, along the lines of B. Diddy’s use of former Pat legend Troy Brown and another former college QB-turned-wide receiver-and-DB Julian Edelman.

And the next time we want to see Tebow put one knee on the ground and do his “Thinker” pose, it had better be in the end zone after receiving a kickoff for a touchback. That crap might work in the South, but in New England we prefer that people stand tall on the field.

P&J’s judicial tips

Fortunately, P&J have not spent a great deal of time in front of judges, unless you count us gabbing with Rogeriee Thompson and Ed and Bill Clifton at cocktail parties.

But we do know some rules of the road regarding one’s demeanor in court, which follow along the lines of simply responding “Yes, your honor,” “No, your honor,” and a sweat-soaked “I’ll never do it again, I swear to God, please don’t send me to the ACI!” while writhing on the floor and having your defense lawyer offer Hizzoner or Herhonor buckets full of money.

This brings us to former New England Patriots pass catcher Chad Ochocinco/Johnson, who recently faced a judge in a domestic violence probation violation case in Florida. After reaching a “no jail” plea in front of the magistrate, Johnson slapped his attorney on the ass, at which point Circuit Court Judge Kathleen McHugh went ballistic, cancelling the plea bargain and sentencing Chad to 30 days in the can (so to speak).

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