Sports blotter: "Set tasers to 'stun' " edition
By MATT TAIBBI | August 8, 2006
Taser me, too!
STUNNING: The Taser gun (shown here taking down a crowbar-wielding redneck) is sports crime’s latest accessory. |
There must be some kind of secret scavenger hunt going on among pro athletes that requires participants to attach their names to Tasers or stun guns in the headlines of USA Today. Nothing else can account for the rash of Taser arrests in recent years, already detailed in these pages two weeks ago but requiring this update: Detroit Piston backup center Dale Davis has been shot with a Taser, following the by-now-standard pattern of resisting arrest, ignoring verbal warnings, and finally being dropped like a 14-point buck in the middle of someone’s plush hotel lobby.The details of the Davis case remain mysterious, and the normally soft-spoken 6’11” center insists he was the victim in the case and was profiled by white policemen. The arrest occurred in Miami Beach, so anything is possible. All we know is that Davis was involved in some kind of altercation in a Miami hotel, police were called, and Davis was asked to remove his hands from his pockets. He complied, and pulled out three cell phones and some credit cards. Then, when he put his hands back in his pockets, he allegedly said — echoing the late Eazy E — something along the lines of “I’ll beat you all up if you put your guns away.” As Davis allegedly advanced toward police, they pegged him in the chest with the stun gun, rolled him, and cuffed him. Davis’s agent, “Chubby” Wells, says Davis is going to sue.
Meanwhile, in a case that appears to be a bizarre admixture of recent sports controversies, a San Jose State University football player named Ellis Jones III (the name itself is a strange echo of Patriots player Ellis Hobbs III, particularly since Jones is also an undersize cornerback) was arrested last week on charges involving his use of Craigslist to set up meetings with people. Hobbs allegedly stunned respondents with a Taser gun, then took their cash and used it to buy laptop computers and other items. In one incident, Jones allegedly arranged a meeting with a pair of teenagers who thought they were buying an Xbox. No Xbox; Jones pointed the stun gun in their car and took their money. Oddly enough, Jones was ultimately arrested for the unrelated crime of robbing a pizzeria, and stories continue to surface about other activities, including a home invasion. He faces charges of kidnapping, false imprisonment, and second-degree burglary. Never underestimate the criminal creativity of a defensive back; their only rivals in this area, strangely enough, are wide receivers.
Bengal can't change its stripes, Vol. VII
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. That’s all anyone can say about the continued behavioral excellence of the Cincinnati Bengals. Many promising sports punchlines fizzle out with time, but the Bengals seemed to need little more than a faint whiff of the CrimiNoles/’90s-era Cowboys/Portland JailBlazers distinction as dominant criminal sports enterprise before lunging after it with both hands.
Related:
Kelly's zeroes, Pirates' ransom, But it's a fake gun, More 
- Kelly's zeroes
Like Bob Beamon's long-jump record or Joe DiMaggio's hitting streak, it was once thought that no organized sports team would ever approach the string of arrests racked up by the infamous Portland Jail Blazers club of the early 2000s.
- Pirates' ransom
Well, enough of the funny stuff with the Oregon Ducks’ recent crime wave. This week, we’re back into the world of straight-out, nasty, pointless, idiotic violence, committed by young athletes with everything to lose and only a few bucks to gain.
- But it's a fake gun
A lot of sports crime makes sense. Sebastian Janikowski arrested for just about anything: makes sense.
- Rocky pot
Late last May, a goofy-looking guy named Charles Austin Corn — a student at the University of Tennessee — was shot in South Knoxville in what looked like an attempt to rob his stash. He was unable to communicate with police after the shooting and died five days later.
- Taserama
Okay, this is officially getting ridiculous.
- Touched by a taser
Such was the fate of DerMarr Johnson, who just made himself the latest entry in what is becoming a shockingly long list.
- A real stunner
Bob “The Bad One” Probert would have been proud.
- Gridiron Gang
A former college football star turned prison guard trying to make a difference in a juvenile-detention lock-up turns kids onto the game. Sound like a cog out of the feel-good factory? Watch the trailer for Gridiron Gang (QuickTime)
- Cursed Aztecs
San Diego State Aztecs basketball coach Steve Fisher lectures his players during the season about how to behave off the court, getting pretty specific about what he doesn’t want to see.
- Oregon fail
This is the time of year when you start seeing a lot of arrests involving non-draft-eligible college-football players — underclassmen, mainly.
- Return of the Pac
The sad thing about Adam “Pacman” Jones is that we won’t have him to kick around in columns like this much longer.
- Less
Topics:
Sports
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