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The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91

These guys couldn't turn on a radio
By PHOENIX STAFF  |  April 13, 2007

Enormous beer guts. Embarrassing bowl cuts. Double chins. Mullets. With all of the ugly dudes out there — like that guy with the porno mustache sitting across from you on the Green Line right now — you’d think compiling a list of the 100 unsexiest men in the world would be easy. Like Paris Hilton easy.

But when it comes to sexiness in men, there’s so much more to it than looks. (If you don’t believe that, ask yourself how at least four dog-faced wretches could all claim paternity of a Playboy centerfold’s offspring.) Yes, so much of what defines unsexiness in men is behavioral. So in addition to poring over thousands of repugnant photographs of the planet's least appealing gents, overworked researchers at the Phoenix's underground Unsexiest Laboratory had to utilize a formula that also took loathsomeness into account.

And that made things a little more difficult.

But when the smoke cleared, there was one repulsive, poorly coiffed man standing alone atop Homely Mountain. Click below to find out the undisputed winner of this year’s Golden Gilbert, the trophy named in honor of last year’s unsexy champ, Gilbert Gottfried. Our 2007 #1 was the clear winner because he is both an ugly person and an unattractive man — the worst of both worlds!

To see who else made the unkindest cut, click below to get started. We advise, however, that you wait at least half an hour after eating your last meal, just to be safe. And if you feel so compelled, you can discuss the list and post your own in the forum.

[100] TOM CRUISE
Religio-cinematic icon

The heat Cruise emitted early in his career has evaporated, leaving a smirking corpse only slightly colder than the Wicked Witch of the West (to name another humorless cartoon, prone to disturbingly manic episodes, who melts when squirted). About as sexy as a toad turd, Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappier version of Schwarzenegger-as-Terminator (check his cyborg-like smile and virtuous embrace of a bizarre science-fiction scenario masquerading as quasi-religion) but comes off even creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and enslave — sorry, wed in holy matrimony — impressionable young actresses.

[99] AARON CARTER
Aging kidz bopper

This pizza-faced little bro of the Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter spent his airtime on their trainwreck reality show puking his guts out and trying to convince his trailer-trash buddies how ’hood he is.

[98] REVEREND TED HAGGARD
Colorado male-escort patron

Getting snagged with prostitutes is always a bad look, but Ted — no relation to Merle — compounded the common sin of adultery with heaps of lyin’, bullshittin’, and hypocritizin’. The leader of the 30-million-strong National Association of Evangelicals — as well as an anti-evolutionist and an important supporter of George W. Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign — preached anti-gay sermons from his pulpit while also making monthly paid visits to a male prostitute, with whom he allegedly snorted meth. More proof that God loves ugly?

[97] LARRY KING
Celebrity interlocutor

This septuagenarian serial monogamist makes Marge Simpson sound like Lily Allen. Rumored to have a terrible flatulence problem.

[96] JON HEDER
Jojo dancer

After Napoleon Dynamite, this genetically-challenged one-joke-wonder stretched his 15 minutes by painting on the spandex and starring as Will Ferrell's figure-skating partner in a film that should’ve been titled Napoleon Dynamite on Ice. Is there an unsexier phrase in the English language than “Will Ferrell’s skating partner”?

[95] PATRICK STUMP
Fall Out Boy singer; emoticon

FOB ringleader Pete Wentz, who infamously camera-phoned pics of his own dick and accidentally leaked ’em to the Internet, writes every shitty lyric that comes out of Stump’s mouth (except for the ones they “borrowed” from Massachusetts hardcore vet Wes Eisold). But given the singer’s physique, Wentz must be feeding Stump more than words. If that pudge-gutted, receding-hairlined, mutton-chopped marionette wants to get laid, we recommend a case of Slim-Fast, a couple of Motörhead records, and the retrieval of his balls from whatever jar Wentz keeps them in.

[94] BILL RICHARDSON
Darkhorse

Chubby presidential candidate has repped the USA in negotiations with some of the world’s scariest and weirdest dictators. Which, unfortunately, leaves the triple-chinned hopeful with precious little time for the treadmill. Chances may improve if he stays hungry — or if he accidentally eats the rest of the Democratic field onstage during the first debate.

[93] JIMMY KIMMEL
Blimp 182

We always appreciated Sarah Silverman’s debased, masochistic sense of humor, but secretly suspected it was all just an act — at least until we found out she was dating a certain chubb-o late-night TV host. After an evening of screwing Kimmel, telling Holocaust jokes must seem like a walk in the park.

[92] OSAMA BIN LADEN
Diabetic outlaw

Only slightly less sexy than our own commander in chief, the Ichabod Crane of Tora Bora could use a new look. Note to Osama: camouflage jackets have been out since the millennium. (Hey, since the military can’t find him, maybe the fashion police should be on the case.) Sure, there’s not a surplus of couture outlets — or even dry cleaners — in Afghanistan, but even Al-Zarqawi knew how to apply a little eye-liner and lip gloss.

[91] BOB SAGET
Tanner

There’s nothing sadder than a comedian who gets more laughs as a punchline than he does as a stand-up. But when Saget went Rambo and started telling gross-out jokes to play off the shame of having raised the Olsen twins, he crossed the line from pathetic bottom-feeder to slimy douchebag.

unsexy_saget

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Related: Worst in breed: Television, Worst in breed: Movies, Worst in breed: Music, More more >
  Topics: Ultimate Lists , Celebrity News, Entertainment, Pete Wentz,  More more >
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Comments
Re: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91
Patrick Stumph??????? FUCK U BITCHES!!!!! Patrick is NOT unsexy. You wouldn't recognize good looks if they crawled up ur ass and fucked you! He is one of the most talented and good looking people in the music buisness and you guys do poorly to have put him on this list. You should be ashamed, you should go and crawl back into that lonley hellhole you fucking came from. There really is only one thing to say to a bunch of motherfucking dickheads like you! SANTI.
By lgfuad417 on 06/13/2008 at 7:19:40
Re: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91
and as for the shitty lyric thing. Pete wentz is one of the greatest lyricist of our generation. If you want to make fun of the lyrics that have saved the lives of hundreds of teens across the world, then thats on your hands.
By lgfuad417 on 06/13/2008 at 7:23:16
Re: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91
ahem. patrick stump should be #1 on the sexiest men EVER list. he is so adorable. and pete wentz's lyrics arent "shitty". you are just a douchebag. and hes only 28, so his hairline is NOT receding.  dickhead i love you patrick, pete, joe and andy!
By fobsessed on 07/08/2008 at 4:30:41
Re: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91
 well one thing zac efron iss totally sexii and so iis kevin jonas and hes totally not a dufus hes the greatest guy ive met ok  and sexiie  and who the hell are you to judge people so bad they totally getoffended and they have a good reason ok
By J3ZiiKA on 08/06/2008 at 5:16:21
Re: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91
who in the heck do you guys think you are to even put patrick stump on this list and say such bad things about him??? patrick is freakin sexy!!!!!  
By meloneyfob1 on 09/13/2008 at 10:39:41
Re: The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 100-91
 YOU ARE STUPID PATRICK STUMP IS SEXX!!     I LOVE HIM AND HE SHOULDN'T EVER BE ON LIST IF IT ISN'T "Best-super-sexy-hot-singer-ever List"  and he would be number 1!!!!!!!you guys have NO CLUE what you are talking about : |
By sarcameron on 11/12/2008 at 8:16:42

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