It's high drama. Not exactly shameful foryou, but...
I should give you shame. I owe you shame. I'm looking back through the Rolodex of horrible memories to find the one. Oh, I got it! I got hired to do two one-nighters by a guy — ah, he'll never read this, who cares — over a weekend. For the first show he told me to meet him at a Knights of Columbus hall. So I walk in and there's a giant painting of the Pope on the wall and I was like, okay, this is not my place. I don't feel comfortable here...already. Then I discovered that the show wasn't rented out from the Knights of Columbus, it was for the Knights of Columbus, because their leader was retiring and a new leader was coming in. So it was that kind of show. The median age was 80. Now I have no problem performing for people at any age — I don't always enjoy it but I'll do it. The comic that went on before me, it was perfect for him. He's an Italian goombah kind of guy and he just went up and told his pasta sauce jokes and they ate it up. And by the time he was done it was 8:30 and they were done. They were tired and ready to go to bed. So I got onto the dance floor to do the show and look out at the pocket of wheelchairs that people were in — they had fallen asleep. The new leader was surrounded by his minions. So I just started talking. I think the riffing thing just comes from survival. I was going through my set list in my head like, nope nope nope nope nope. And there was one woman who wanted the dirtiest show she could get. I'm trying to be very nice and polite for people who are older than my grandma, and she's sitting in the crowd yelling dick jokes! dick jokes!
Oh my god. And she's also like eighty-something?
No, she was in the younger pool. She was 65 or 70. So this 65 year old woman is just yelling dick jokes at me and I don't know what to do. I'm like...do you want to hear a dick joke? and she's like yeah! So I say how dirty do you want this to be? and she's like, filthy! So I told a stupid dick joke and they're all laughing. Then I'm thinking I got it wrong, these guys wanted a dirty show. But then the leader looks very upset, so I decide I should just wrap it up and get the hell out of there. During the riffing part I had asked if I could become a member of the Knights of Columbus so I could learn their secret, and while I'm on stage they handed me an application. But by then I thought I should just wrap it up because the leader looked angry, and if I know anything about semireligious factions, if the leader's mad you need to leave. So I went in for the gay marriage joke and asked are we for or against gay marriage in this room? And everything was quiet. I wasn't sure if they hadn't heard me or whatever. So I said, well, I'm pro gay marriage. And the leader says give me back the application. It was like I didn't realize when I walked in and saw the enormous painting of the Pope that it also meant NO GAYS. That's when it was over. It was like, okay, we're done. Congratulations to you, long live the king.
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