Dance, Monkey: Jessie Baade

We put a comic on the hot seat. This week’s victim . . .
By MARC HIRSH  |  September 3, 2008
MONKEY_Jessie-Baade.jpg


If you were a tree, what kind of jokes would you tell?
Mostly Dutch-elm-disease jokes, I would think. Hardwood. I grew up in a nursery. A Quercus alba walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a drink.” It’s like a little Catskills with a little Latin. I can name every frickin’ tree in Latin you’ll ever want. We take our trees very seriously. Tree humor is not funny. And I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried.

With school starting up again, what advice do you have for those students beginning their fifth year of college?
Well, from my era, because I’m from the ’80s, I’m like, what’s wrong with you that you didn’t get knocked up in your second year? Where’s your MRS degree? You failed yourself. Five years? Five? What’s wrong with you? But that’s just for chicks. You should’ve been out of there in your second year with a good man.

If idle hands are the devil’s playground, what’s his basketball court?
Big Brother 8. I’m trying to think of a reality show with a lot of people that would just go away. I really wish there were more people in the Spice Girls, because I would say the Spice Girls reunion tour. And their audience.

The other day I bought a package of six pieces of stuffed salmon and it claimed there were eight servings. What are they trying to pull?
Ach. It’s there, man. It’s gonna drive me crazy. You’re gonna get a phone call in the middle of the night going, “Marc, I’ve got it!” I hadn’t realized that Fox News was into fish packaging. They’re like, “No, that’s the truth, really!” Ah, fuck it. Sorry, Marc, I tried. That’s a really good set-up, and I’m sitting here thinking it’s gotta be one of the references where it’s some company that’s always shorting people. But I can’t think of it off the top of my head. So I’ll be screaming. This’ll be my Nam.

JESSIE BAADE | Comedy Studio, Cambridge | September 10 | 617.661.6507| Boston Comedy Festival at Hard Rock Cafe, Boston | September 14

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  •   DANCE, MONKEY: JOE ROGAN  |  September 10, 2008
    These really are the dumbest questions ever.
  •   DANCE, MONKEY: JESSIE BAADE  |  September 03, 2008
    Tree humor is not funny. And I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried.
  •   DANCE, MONKEY: STEVE HOFSTETTER  |  August 27, 2008
    Do you think we as a nation will ever be prepared to grant Dave Coulier immunity for his involvement with Alanis?
  •   DANCE, MONKEY: COREY RODRIGUES  |  August 20, 2008
    They find out I’m lip-synching, and it’s actually Milli Vanilli that’s doing the real singing this time. They’re trying to make a comeback, so I would just be a cover for them, and if that got blown, it would suck.
  •   DANCE, MONKEY: LAMONT PRICE  |  August 12, 2008
    I don’t know where I leave my pants sometimes, and I could care less.

 See all articles by: MARC HIRSH