WHAT SHOULD THE NEXT BARBIE BE? Stage Mom Barbie. After all those years of being in the spotlight, you know she's going to force her kid to do it and like it. I guess the follow-up to that would be Xanax Barbie.
NEWS OF THE AIG USING BAILOUT MONEY TO GIVE CURRENT (AND FORMER) EMPLOYEES $165 MILLION IN BONUSES HAS TAXPAYERS OUTRAGED. HOW SHOULD PRESIDENT OBAMA DEAL WITH THIS? That's easy: an old-fashioned spanking. I learned my lesson about taking inappropriate bonuses that way. We could have it on prime-time TV — "America's Top Executive Obama Spankings."
AUSTRIA'S CREEPIEST DAD, JOSEF FRITZL, HAS JUST PLEADED GUILTY TO CHARGES OF KEEPING HIS DAUGHTER LOCKED IN A BASEMENT DUNGEON FOR DECADES AND REPEATEDLY RAPING HER, RESULTING IN — YOU GOT IT — INCEST BABIES. WHO DO YOU HAVE LOCKED IN YOUR BASEMENT? ALSO, DID I OFFEND YOU WITH "INCEST BABIES"? Actually, I am offended. I don't think babies should be engaging in incest; they're much too young. As for my basement, I have the golden-egg-laying goose from Willy Wonka, and I eat golden omelets every day for breakfast. That's why I'm so strong.
WHAT'S THE BEST GADGET ON THE MARKET RIGHT NOW? I don't follow new gadgets. It's a waste of time because there's always going to be something new you have to buy right after it. I'm currently looking into buying a telegraph machine.
WHAT'S THE STINKIEST CHEESE? Not really sure. I'm more worried when the cracker is stinky. But I still usually eat it.
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, Barack Obama, Crime, Sexual Offenses, More