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An intimate guide to dining in — and eating out — this Valentine's Day

Erotic Potluck


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DICKALICIOUS RASPBERRY PENIS AROUSAL GEL ($9.99 | SWEET-N-NASTY)

"Spread it on, lick it off and watch your lover 'grow' wild with excitement!" screams this hot pink, vaguely juvenile, packaging. Wild with excitement? Or wild with some gag-reflex enraging disgust? This penis arousal gel has somehow made it to market (in 2005, we noted. Hope it hasn't been there for seven years...), and is somehow still around. It's runny, petrolatum-based, and somehow tastes chalky even though it comes dripping furiously out of the package when opened. It just can't wait to stifle the mood! But seriously, it will ruin the idea of raspberries, and penises, forever.

Cassie: This tastes like a nightmare I had about raspberries once. I would never shame a penis by having this anywhere near it, ever.
Alex: First of all, I can't imagine there are many men out there who would want their member referred to as 'dick-a-licious'. Sounds like the name of a male strip club in a seedy strip mall off the highway in some depressed suburb. Not that I've ever been licked across the face by a middle-aged male stripper with bacne at one of those establishments. Semantics aside, this stuff is the opposite of delicious. More like Weinerevolting.
Ariel: Smells like cleaning products and tastes like NyQuil. I only ingest things like this if there's a promise it'll get me high. I've never mouthed a dick that tasted this bad. An insult to human flesh.


NIPPLICIOUS ($9.99 | SWEET N' NASTY)

This "nipple arousal gel" comes in a boob-shaped container with a little nipple on top. Charming! We're not sure whose nipples are so lethargic they need a fruity stimulant, but hey, we're not judging. As with most of the other slathering salves, this one totes a glycerin base, and a seriously viscous gel under that plastic nipple. It's probable that this would work nicely on chapped hands in winter, as long as you're alright with everything smelling like the perky watermelon flavor we opted for.

Cassie: This tastes remarkably like the pink Jolly Ranchers, except with a slight menthol-edge, so not bad! I'm not sure I want my boudoir reeking of watermelon though; and I wouldn't want to make any poor soul lick this stuff off of me, since it's a little waxy.
Alex: The polar opposite of Dickalicious. It actually tastes as good as it smells and, bonus, you could totally use it as a soothing lip balm after a night spent putting some serious mileage on your mouth.
Ariel: About the menthol level of Burt's Bees, so knee jerk reaction was to slather on lips. Tastes awesome and made tongue super tingly. However, teeth may still be more effective for actual nipple arousal.


X-SCREAM BUTTERCREAM ICING ($18.00/1 OZ. TUBE | SLUMBERPARTIES.COM)

This fabulously flavored arousal balm warms when breathed on, and just a dab is enough to send any clit, dick, or tongue tip into a sensual frenzy. Landing in the Goldilocks zone on the tingle scale (where MoLo is too hot to let touch the G-Spot, and Dickalicious too numby to feel much of anything), the zesty sensation of X-Scream builds gradually and lasts about 15 minutes per application. Ideal for anyone with a kinky sweet tooth, and especially popular for lady-on-lady love action.

Cassie:Can I just use this as lip gloss? Is that weird? Doesn't taste clinical or weird, just nice, subtle cocoa-buttery goodness. Plus, it's super smooth, and not gritty or slimy. Take note, Anal Eaze.
Alex: If you're going to ice your lady-lumps (or any other body part) this wonder sauce comes highly recommended. Tingly enough to get the blood pumping and classy enough (the word classy is used broadly here) to avoid the creep-zone of Anal Eaze, this takes the proverbial cake...and ices it, too.
Ariel: Everyone in my house owns their own tube. We fondly refer to it as "fancy sauce."

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