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An intimate guide to dining in — and eating out — this Valentine's Day

Erotic Potluck

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JUICY LUBE ASSORTMENT ($16.99/10 flavors | CONDOM WORLD)

Beautiful packaging offers 10 colorful samples of Juicy Lube's exotic flavors (like passion fruit, cool mint, and wild cherry) -- but their aesthetic glory ends here. These are difficult to open and reminiscent of hair gel in both taste and texture. This rainbow of lube packets would best serve a bedroom purely as decoration, left untouched in a clear jar. (I was forced to think of interior design to distract myself while enduring the torturous, lasting taste of "lemon drop.") More than any other flavored sex product, Juicy Lube is a reminder of how dangerous it is to try and eat where you fuck.

Cassie: Gross, gross, gross. I had high hopes for the tangerine flavor, but that shit is an insult to tangerines everywhere.
Alex: Serious bummer, the packaging made them look so fun.
Ariel: I started cursing Juicy Lube the second it hit my lips. If you dare tread in these dangerous waters, you best bring a serious chaser.


CANDY NIPPLE TASSELS/COCK RING/G-STRING ($9.99 | SWEET N' NASTY/($8.99 | SWEET N' NASTY)/($12.00 | GOOD VIBRATIONS)

Remember the good old days when you would wear a candy necklace proudly to school, gradually biting off the little Necco discs throughout the day, and arrive home with nothing but a spit-slimed elastic string? Well, we're in the adult world now, and candy necklaces aren't just for summer camp anymore. We went for three versions: nipple tassels, cock rings, and the g-string. We'll just issue a few disclaimers now: once the g-string is on, do not move, otherwise that thing will definitely snap. And, fellas? These cock rings are indestructible. Kudos if that's what you're into, but these fit snug on the top of a standard water bottle, and no further. Oh, and make sure you've got someone with surgical precision biting you outta these things, because...well, ow.

Cassie: Hey, I finished an entire nipple tassel. Am I ashamed? No way. The candy tastes like it always did, like summer trips to the pool and friendship bracelets. Except now it's a cock ring...Weird? Maybe.
Alex: The cock ring is way too teeny for anything but a baby penis...sort of disconcerting when you keep in mind that they're made from the same candy we all wore around our necks as kiddies. That aside, they taste great and are both sturdier and more practical than the edible underwear.
Ariel: Pretty high quality candy -- better than I remember the necklaces being as a kid. My concern is for the crazy fuck who tries to rock a cock ring or undies with pubes. Unless Sadomasochism is your thing, please shave.


ADULT BODY FINGER PAINTS ($14.99 | CONDOM WORLD )

If chocolate body paint is for couples curious about scatting, then adult body finger paints are for graduates of paraphilic infantilism. In four bold Nickelodeon colors that look, smell, and stain like Gak, these fruit-flavored sexual art supplies are apt to push baby-play fantasies into messy kindergarten wet dreams. While strawberry (pink) and cherry (red) are more pleasing to tongue, apple (green) and blueberry (blue) are powerful pigments. Take care with white sheets, white teeth, and white diapers.

Cassie: Seriously. My arm is still stained green. But, it's true, strawberry, and maybe blueberry, were definitely the most palatable choices. That being said, there ain't no way I'm taking a big ol' lick of that stuff. I feel like they would be fun for their neon paintability, but their too-strong flavors would snuff and/or distract from any sexual lust.
Alex: Looks sort of like the "food" the Lost Boys hurled at each other in Hook. Tastes sort of like Nickelodeon Gak (remember that stuff?!)....in a good way. Of all the products we tested, this is the one I'd personally be most inclined to put to use.
Ariel: I'd save these for scoring one-nighters with artsy types you've otherwise got nothing in common with. "I don't know art, but I know I like getting licked."

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