CHOCOLATE BODY PAINT ($12.99 | SWEET N' NASTY)
This one’s for the locavore dessert-lovers out there: this creamy fudge concoction hails from Tom & Sally’s Handmade Chocolates in Vermont, and is made with real French choco-late. Fancy! The package urges you to heat the chocolate to 98.6 degrees, apply liberally, and let your imagination “run free,” which could be referring to using your lover’s body as a scintillating canvas, or just artfully addressing a bowl of ice cream. It’s entirely up to you.
Cassie: I think I may have actually eaten this on ice cream before. Bonus points for shiny gold packaging and high-quality brush—plating counts!
Alex: Holy shit, I don’t know if I want to slather this all over a gentleman caller or eat it over a bowl of ice cream in my sweats. Wait, I do know, it’s the latter. Delicious and by far the most edible of all these erotic edibles, but more at home next to pickles in the fridge than his pickle in the bedroom.
Ariel: Looks too much like diarrhea and makes me wonder what Freud would have to say about our Potluck. In other words, psychologically taxing more than romantic.
ANAL EAZE ($6 | HUBBA HUBBA)
Packaged in a pastel-colored box and weighing about as much as a tube of chapstick, Anal Eaze almost looks like a totally legitimate product. Almost that is, until you take a closer gander at the tweaked out-looking couple groping each other on the box. The only area that this cherry-flavored ointment (it looks like Vaseline and doesn't taste all that much better) is meant to keep from chapping is your rectum and, from the feel of the greasy stuff, we're pretty sure it does its job. A tongue goes numb within a minute of applying a liberal amount of Anal Eaze, so we're fairly confident a standard issue anus will react in suit. Taste-wise, we're not sure why one would want to snack on a salve meant to numb your partner's asshole (we don't champion ass-to-mouth, as a rule) but the Eaze is edible enough, if faintly medicinal (but we find that sort of comforting, knowing its intended use.)
Cassie: Yes! I love this stuff! I could eat it on anything&ldots;crackers, ice cream, strawberries&ldots;yeah, no. Ease is spelled with a "z." There's no way anyone could have high hopes here. If this is what cherry is supposed to taste like, I'm not sure we should count it as a fruit anymore.
Alex: If you're going to pop your butt cherry, might as well do it with eaze, areweright? This goop doesn't taste all that much like fruit, but I'm pretty sure it comes as close as any agent meant to anesthetize your rectum for vigorous penetration can.
Cassie: Maybe that's why they chose cherry...
Ariel: Swear I've seen the chick on this box in a pornotube video. She was screwing someone in a rocking chair, on a farmer's porch. Made my mouth feel like it was being prepped for surgery.
MOLO HOT ($3/1 OZ. BOTTLE | GOOD VIBRATIONS)
"Hot Tropical Motion Lotion" is not a lotion, but a lube that warms to the touch and heats when blown on. Like, really heats. Real heat-seeking taste buds should stick with chili sauce if spiciness is what you want though—MoLo is just temperature hot, and features more pineapple, fruity notes than jalapeño ones. Less painfully disgusting than almost every other lube or oil in our erotic arsenal, and has a nice light consistency. Danger warning: keep this for external use only!
Cassie: My palate is getting ready to jump off a cliff from the condoms, so I couldn't really say what this tastes like. It's tangier, and fruitier than the rest, but it still isn't something I would want to taste for more than .0005 seconds at a time.
Alex: Since 3rd degree vaginal burns are not on my short list of fun ways to spend a Saturday night, I say pass. On the taste tip, however, it jumps to the front of the flavored, warming lube pack. Recommended for above the waist recreation.
Ariel: Taste and texture like the inside of Gushers. And pretty sure the warming sensation would make me a gusher. Sort of feels like your skin is getting a suntan. I'd take MoLo to the bedroom -- but not for more than foreplay.