Halloween fast approaches, and signs of an impending apocalypse abound (we're still reeling over that recent spate of "zombie" attacks). So we turned to onetime undertaker, horror-movie buff, and resident undead expert J. Cannibal (a/k/a poet Janaka Stucky) — who counts the original Night of the Living Dead and the 2012 Republican National Convention as the most accurate depictions of zombies to date — for some tips on surviving the coming hordes. When it all goes down, you'll thank us.
On weaponry: When it comes to zombies, unsurprisingly, it's all about brains. "It doesn't matter how much ammo you have or what kind of survival multi-tools you're carrying — though the crowbar-hammer-hatchet is a favorite of mine," he says. "If you can't think rationally in a stressful situation, then you're dead meat."
On zombified loved ones: Though movies like Shaun of the Dead make a good case for keeping your reanimated pals around, Cannibal counters, "Chaining them up is problematic because not only does it imply that you're probably staying in one place for too long, but you're also letting the Trojan horse into your fortress. If you can look your rabid, brain-crazed loved one in the eyes and shoot them in the head, then you can do anything."
On a zombie survival kit: It may sound unorthodox, but we're going to trust Cannibal when he says he'd pack "leopard-print bondage pants, a leather biker vest, a baseball bat, some good boots, skull makeup, 200 bags of candy, and several beautiful burlesque dancers."
On who you want on your team: It's simple, says Cannibal. "Cool heads, hot bodies, and a really good cook."
On the end of humanity: Though Cannibal has some great pointers for battling the zombie hordes (don't forget that crowbar-hammer-hatchet), ultimately, he says, "In the event of a real zombie apocalypse, the best thing you can do is go down dancing."
DON'T MISS » J. CANNIBAL'S FEAST OF FLESH XII, featuring a horror-flick screening, live music, Black Cat Burlesque, and a zombie costume contest Saturday, October 6, at the Coolidge Corner Theatre. Get tickets ($10) at coolidge.org.