As the date of the alleged Mayan doomsday drew nearer, we found ourselves looking back over the past year. And it's not looking good. In fact, so much terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad (and just plain ridiculous) slop-culture shit happened in 2012 that we can't help but wonder if the Mayans mightn't have crystal-balled our day of reckoning. Ah well, if this is really the end of days, at least we didn't live long enough to have to see Liz Taylor's legacy besmirched by a cracked-out Lindsay Lohan. Oh wait . . .
HONEY BOO BOO. Because if the fact that a mildly obese six-year-old perpetually tweaking off a Red Bull/Mountain Dew cocktail and her morbidly obese backwoods family have their own TV show isn't a sign, we don't know what is. Actually, we do. The fact that said show has some of the highest ratings on television.
SNOOKI PROCREATED. Because her progeny cannot be allowed to roam the earth. And because three years ago we didn't know what a Snooki was, and now her kid has celebrity status.
BURGER KING'S BACON SUNDAE. Because when we've reached the point where we are actively seeking out ingenious new ways to fatten our already fat asses, it might be time to call it a day.
BABY HASHTAG. Because that shit is ridiculous, okay? And because it makes the name Blue Ivy seem reasonable. It's not reasonable.
BUTT CHUGGING. Because when keg stands and shot-gunning Bud Heavies have become so passé to even our nation's frat boys that they're funneling wine up their buttholes, it might be time to close the book on drinking. Forever.
BATH SALTS. Because it's a gateway drug to zombies.
ZOMBIES. Because, on that note, we're pretty sure if the Mayan gods of thunder and fire don't get us first, they will. Remember the NY cannibal cop?
ELMO MIGHT BE A PEDO. Because we just can't accept that.
OREO BOYCOTTS. Because it's just a cookie, okay, a delicious cookie. And also, can we just get over the gay-as-evil thing already, you yokels? Oh, we can't? Bring on the gods of thunder and fire.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. Because the image of all those repressed housewives creaming their full-coverage panties over that piece of crap is enough to make us wish for the end of time. On the other hand, at least it got them to . . . read?
RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN. Because between that shit and Twilight, we're raising a nation of little girls whose motto is, to quote Florence and the Machine, "a kiss with a fist is better than none."
AMY POEHLER AND WILL ARNETT SPLIT. Because if they can't make it, none of us can.
KATIE HOLMES AND TOM CRUISE SPLIT. HAHAHAHA just kidding. That was good.
THE PAUL MCCARTNEY/NIRVANA "REUNION." Because, um, it wasn't?