Party like it's 1999

By CHRIS FARAONE  |  December 30, 2008

BUSH SPEECH KARAOKE For eight years, the world has enjoyed a non-stop streak of blunders and Bushisms; not mere Freudian parapraxes, but things like: "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." Find speeches online and do your best Bush impression.

TELEPHONE In memory of Bush administration communication policies, recreate the classic grade-school game in which people hear only what they want to hear. Tell Izzie that Ira cheated with Pat and Stan, and then watch Pat and Stan blame it all on Irene.

PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY A political twist on the old party staple. Blindfold one another like prisoners at Guantánamo, get a giant picture of Obama or some other terrorist, and impale the scoundrel silly.


HOT CHOCOLATE On second thought, this is no time to get drunk. Obama inspired us to work tirelessly, and with so much economic and environmental devastation, we need to spend every minute building compost bins and hounding people on the street for Greenpeace.

MATZOTH BALLIN' SOUP Never before have blacks and Jews worked so hard to suffocate the hopes of white Anglo-Saxon Protestants. In honor of this momentous union, any combination of stereotypical African-American and Jewish-American staples will do. (We recommend barbecue borsht.)

CHOCOLATE WHITE HOUSES Now that the White House has strayed from its Caucasian tradition, the least Republicans can do is munch confectionary effigies. Consider it political transubstantiation.

CYANIDE Face it: the world, as you know it, is finished. Our president is a socialist, his secretary of state is a lesbian, and, my God, his chief of staff is a Jew. End it now, and don't let those liberals get the best of you.

NO NEED FOR CHANGE Most Obama junkies probably don't need to do much in the way of decoration, given that their homes, bodies, and clothes are already shrines to the man. (When this inauguration is over, do you think then that it might be time to put away the banners, buttons, posters, magnets, T-shirts, lawn billboards, boxer briefs, and window signs? We get it, already.)

OBAMA BIN LADEN PICTURES Don't even think about chucking those hysterical viral illustrations that distastefully depict the president-elect. Hang them up, including the ones of Obama blowing up the White House; the gem with him dressed like Bin Laden; or the masterstroke of American soldiers torching Capitol Hill in the name of communism.

THE OBAMANATRIX Charm any and every gullible loser into helping you climb the social ladder, and then screw them over and date popular kids as soon as you're on top.

THE "RAHMROD" Crash the Republican party down the street, snatch yourself a churchgoer, and hate-sex him or her until next Tuesday. Then charge them for the honor.

THE RAINY CHENEY Refuse to pull out, then go back on your promise, shoot your partner in the face, and — no matter what — drill, baby, drill.

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