Simultaneously bizarre and banal, director Todd Robinson's military procedural seems designed to please no one. Ed Harris and William Fichtner star as the commanders of a Cold War–era Soviet sub, making a final journey before retirement. What starts as a training mission ends up as a struggle for the nukes on board, with our stars battling — New York/New Jersey accents in tow, hilariously — for the fate of the world. Borderline impenetrable jargon-based dialogue sets the static tone, but it's broken by melodramatic overtures — this is the kind of movie where someone uses their dying breath to say, "You have to pick a side." And then there are Harris's drunken epileptic incidents; overloaded on rum and racked with guilt, his hallucinations leave Phantom looking like a Kenneth Anger movie. The crass Americanization invalidates the detail; the silly melodrama invalidates the realism of the script; and a climactic spiritualist conceit leaves it all feeling like self-parody. Crimson Tide this isn't.