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Hollywood Square

Dept. of Old Ideas
By MIKE MILIARD  |  March 28, 2007

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First Al Gore, now Rick Santorum. According to Allentown, Pennsylvania’s Morning Call, Santorum, the soundly conservative, roundly defeated ex-Senator, is “planning two film projects, in part to counter what he characterized as the stream of left-wing documentaries coming from Hollywood and independent filmmakers.”

One of the as-yet-unfunded films seeks to “explore the relationship between radical Islam and radical leftists,” and another is slated to be an epic masterwork that will “change the culture of America.” (Rebirth of a Nation?) But what else might the great auteur have up his sleeve to rival An Inconvenient Truth?

An Unfortunate Malfunction. A hard-hitting documentary that gets to the bottom of widespread voting-machine breakdowns across Pennsylvania in 2006. How else to explain a nearly 20-point defeat at the hands of Bob Casey Jr. — statistically the worst loss ever for an incumbent Republican senator in that state? And Casey barely lifted a finger on his own behalf.

A Logical Correlation. This time, the devout Catholic takes on the Boston Archdiocese, doggedly exposing how it’s afflicted at every level by the moral relativism running rampant in this “seat of academic, political, and cultural liberalism.” Explains Santorum: “Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture. When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected.”

An Incontrovertible Fact. To the battleground where science and religion clash. This film, like Gore’s, uses provocative slides and PowerPoint presentations to tell a story some might not want to hear. Advancing the concept of intelligent design, Santorum argues that even pests like mosquitoes, gays, and Mexicans cannot be blamed on evolutionary flukes, but were in fact created by God.

A Regrettable Misstatement. Here, Santorum revisits his June 2006 assertion that weapons of mass destruction had been unearthed in Iraq. This despite the fact that the cache of chemical weapons had been discovered two years prior, and found to be non-current.

A Truth Stranger Than Fiction. In this big-budget collaboration with Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson, Santorum expounds on his fantastical defense of the Iraq misadventure: “As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the US. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the Eye to come back here to the United States.”

A Disobedient Pet. In this CGI/live-action romp (think Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties), Santorum conjures up a fun twist on his conflation of gay marriage with “man on dog” sex. Bring the whole family!

An Inopportune Coinage. Santorum goes on the warpath, adopting Michael Moore–style ambush tactics to confront sex columnist Dan Savage for sullying his family name. A sticky situation ensues.

Related: Jackson's sweet dream, Greenheads, The 11th Hour, More more >
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