If you're not in the radio business, you might not know the term "Active Rock." It's not a genre, thank Heaven, but a radio format — the worst radio format. It combines the dregs of the classic-rock format — AC/DC, Aerosmith, Scorpions — with the kind of dumbshit nü-metal troglo-rock that's slowly being pushed off the alt-rock stations. Unfortunately for me, the jerks at Billboard publish an Active Rock airplay chart, so I'm bound by grim duty to report:

MUSIC060410_BigHurt_main 
1_THREE DAYS GRACE, "THE GOOD LIFE" | I despised these dudes much harder in 2003, when "I Hate Everything About You" first hit the airwaves and made me miss Ugly Kid Joe. Now, they're too familiar and featureless to warrant any hate — for this track, they set the rifftron on medium autochug and left the room. I guess I can't fault Three Days Grace for being generic, because a hardworking post-grunge group sure aren't gonna make a buck in the Active Rock scene without sounding exactly like themselves and everyone else.

2_GODSMACK, "CRYIN' LIKE A BITCH!" | This whole package is in serious contention for Dumbest Anything Ever: the band are really called that, the song is really called that, and the title really does have an exclamation point. The video is a montage of sweaty gym training and UFC knockouts. The most alarming part is that it's #2 on a chart, even if it's just a shitty radio chart — a certain sort of person really enjoys this song, and that sort of person is going to be eating us when The Road happens.

3_DROWNING POOL, "FEEL LIKE I DO" | Any pro wrestlers out there need some new intro music? Any US Army ads need a soundtrack? Any dudes without health insurance need a cheap alternative to testosterone-replacement therapy?

4_STONE TEMPLE PILOTS, "BETWEEN THE LINES" | They may not be good, they may not be in their prime, but at least they're not Godsmack. These guys have a history of meeting the lowest expectations you can throw at them, and this track is no exception — I figured a Stone Temple Pilots reunion would suck, and I find myself reassured. Thanks, STP!

5_OZZY OSBOURNE, "LET ME HEAR YOU SCREAM" | I thought things were getting pretty dire when I was a little relieved to see Stone Temple Pilots, but you know they're about as bad as they can get when I see Ozzy's name and exclaim, "Finally, a reputable artist!"

6_SICK PUPPIES, "ODD ONE" | I got a little electric twinge, as if this were about to set off my Jesusdar with its bizarrely outdated 1999 production. No, it's not Christian rock, but I was close: Australian! Just as lame, but at least you won't be spiritually uplifted.

7_PUDDLE OF MUDD, "STONED" | These guys are the unsung villains of the post-grunge scene — they've stuck around for more than a decade, and through it all, they've been significantly worse than Creed and Nickelback. It may be loathsome, but that's a hell of an accomplishment.

8_SEVENDUST, "UNRAVELING" | Is it okay if I skip this one? Somehow, I think I've managed to go 13 years without actually hearing a Sevendust song, and I'm too wounded from Puddle of Mudd to start now.

1  |  2  |   next >
  Topics: Big Hurt , Entertainment, Entertainment, Puddle Of Mudd,  More more >
| More


Most Popular
ARTICLES BY DAVID THORPE
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   THE BIG HURT: LUPE’S CAREER CHANGE  |  March 19, 2013
    You may have already had a big luxurious eye roll at celebrities as "creative directors" of companies ...
  •   WHO CHARTED: SMOOTH JAZZ SONGS  |  March 12, 2013
    If you dig deep enough into Billboard.com's genre charts, past the foreign hits, past the Latin and Christian stuff and the MySpace streaming charts, you'll find one last afterthought: Smooth Jazz.
  •   THE BIG HURT: THIS WEEK IN OFFENSIVE CONTENT  |  March 08, 2013
    In her long career of pushing boundaries, Madonna has run afoul of some of the world's most powerful institutions.
  •   THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER  |  February 26, 2013
    I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.
  •   THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS  |  February 20, 2013
    Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.

 See all articles by: DAVID THORPE