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Could we ever hope for a more thrilling headline than this, from billboard.com? "JUSTIN BIEBER UNDER POLICE INVESTIGATION FOR LASER TAG MISHAP." It's been a rough month for our biggest stars: Weezy's in solitary, TI's going back to jail, and now that rascally Biebs has run afoul of the mounties for scrapping with a 12-year-old kid who has since filed a formal complaint.

It seems that a gang of tween roughnecks teamed up against the singer during a heated laser-tag battle, and when he confronted them, things went bad fast. Accounts of the scuffle vary. Early reports claimed that Bieber punched the kid in the face. Billboard says, "Bieber was trying to avoid getting tagged during a game of laser tag and accidentally knocked the 12-year-old in his path." Many sources claim that Bieber was called a "faggot" at some point. It would be hard to believe that he wasn't.

Reputable source TMZ.com reports that Bieber will be stepping up in a campaign against bullying: "Bieber is telling friends he had no idea how hurtful these comments could be — but even though he's a straight teenager, he now wants to take a stand against bullying and homophobia." It's positively shocking to think that in 2010, pop singer Justin Bieber could, for the first time ever, be called a "faggot" by a 12-year-old boy. We may never know what really happened in that shadowy laser playground on that grim Canadian night, but I can't help feeling that our entire continent has lost a little of its innocence.

In news of a slightly more rocking nature: a few months back, STUART CABLE, former drummer of the Stereophonics, passed away. The full report is now in, and it's official: he choked on his own vomit. A tragedy, to be sure, but at least he died in the most classic fashion possible. Onward, Stuart Cable, to rock Valhalla.

The BLACK KEYS' "Tighten Up" won an award for Breakthrough Video at the MTV VMAs. That's the good news. But the award wasn't actually televised, so one might dispute how through they really broke. And then the VMA Moonman statuette showed up with a bit of a misprint: it says "The Black Eyed Peas." For real. The Keys (not the Peas) posted a picture on their site, with the caption "We are super proud of fergie!!!"

First, KANYE gave his new album the most perversely, wonderfully bad title in ages: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. And now he's revealed the proposed cover art. It's a bizarre painting of a nude figure (Kanye?) lounging on a blue blob with a weird, naked, big-booty harpy perched seductively atop him. Of course, Def Jam wasn't digging it — a rep told billboard.com that Ye was "strongly urged to use alternate art," and he's now saying he'll use five different covers. I'm thinking maybe he just sent the first cover as a distraction so he could get away with the title.

When Weezy started embarking on his oddball flights of fancy, I was kinda annoyed. Weezy can rap; he doesn't need to go weirdy-beardy. But Kanye? I hope he keeps this up. I'm a thousand percent down with weirdo Kanye.

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