In today's "Who Charted?", I'll be checking out a few of the biggest losers on the Billboard Hot 100. These tracks all suffered major drops in chart position this week, probably because of all the mental energy I've devoted to wishing harm upon them.
CHRIS BROWN FEAT. JUSTIN BIEBER, "NEXT TO YOU" | Given its staggering one-week drop from 26 to 90, you might wonder whether the Hot 100's thirst for Bieber hasn't finally been quenched. But, nah, I don't think that's it. I think Middle America is just having trouble processing two teen heartthrobs singing an intense, eyes-locked romantic duet — seemingly to each other. Sure, they say "Girl" a lot, but the brain automatically edits it out — this is so deep in "A Whole New World" territory that it's impossible not to picture Brown and Bieber gazing longingly at each other on an animated magic carpet. But aside from the fact that Chris Brown is bad news and Biebs should stay away, I'd be pretty jazzed if they started dating like it weren't no thing, holding hands on the cover of Us Weekly, like, "What's up now, America?"
GLEE CAST, "LOSER LIKE ME" | I've been laboriously avoiding having any clue what this Glee shit is all about for what seems like eight years now, but it's finally staring me in the face and forcing me to confront it. I guess I'm getting off on the wrong foot, because my understanding is that they usually sing tepid pop cover versions of hits, and this is actually a totally original tepid pop production penned by insufferable shit parader Max Martin, perpetrator of decades of atrocities, from "Baby One More Time" to "California Gurls." Oh, and Pink's recent pair of awful loser fist-pump anthems, "Raise Your Glass" and "Fuckin' Perfect," both of which are featured prominently in my upcoming suicide note. But I can't let those missteps figure into this review, because every song deserves to be judged on its own merits. And, on its own merits, this song is garbage. More like compost, really — the rotting pulp of previous Max Martin hits, rejected by Katy and Britney and left to fester in a little plastic bin under the sink until these Glee twerps came along to dump it out. It dropped from 53 to 79 this week, but I wouldn't worry — they're probably working on a dope "Horse with No Name" cover that'll put them back on top next week.
BRAD PAISLEY, "THIS IS COUNTRY MUSIC" | This one's been lingering in the middle of the Hot 100 for a few months. It's barely hanging on this week, dropping from 81 to 98, and I'm not too sad to see it go. I've never liked Brad Paisley's face. He's a little weaselly; he doesn't have the facial clout to carry off that giant hat. He always looks as if he were drowning in it. Even Garth Brooks looked better in a hat, and that big face of his always made him look a little like Saturn. Now, Tim McGraw, there was a man who could hold up a hat. Whoops, forgot to talk about the song.