Losers of the Hot 100

Who charted?
By DAVID THORPE  |  April 19, 2011

Who charted Main

In today's "Who Charted?", I'll be checking out a few of the biggest losers on the Billboard Hot 100. These tracks all suffered major drops in chart position this week, probably because of all the mental energy I've devoted to wishing harm upon them.

CHRIS BROWN FEAT. JUSTIN BIEBER, "NEXT TO YOU" | Given its staggering one-week drop from 26 to 90, you might wonder whether the Hot 100's thirst for Bieber hasn't finally been quenched. But, nah, I don't think that's it. I think Middle America is just having trouble processing two teen heartthrobs singing an intense, eyes-locked romantic duet — seemingly to each other. Sure, they say "Girl" a lot, but the brain automatically edits it out — this is so deep in "A Whole New World" territory that it's impossible not to picture Brown and Bieber gazing longingly at each other on an animated magic carpet. But aside from the fact that Chris Brown is bad news and Biebs should stay away, I'd be pretty jazzed if they started dating like it weren't no thing, holding hands on the cover of Us Weekly, like, "What's up now, America?"

GLEE CAST, "LOSER LIKE ME" | I've been laboriously avoiding having any clue what this Glee shit is all about for what seems like eight years now, but it's finally staring me in the face and forcing me to confront it. I guess I'm getting off on the wrong foot, because my understanding is that they usually sing tepid pop cover versions of hits, and this is actually a totally original tepid pop production penned by insufferable shit parader Max Martin, perpetrator of decades of atrocities, from "Baby One More Time" to "California Gurls." Oh, and Pink's recent pair of awful loser fist-pump anthems, "Raise Your Glass" and "Fuckin' Perfect," both of which are featured prominently in my upcoming suicide note. But I can't let those missteps figure into this review, because every song deserves to be judged on its own merits. And, on its own merits, this song is garbage. More like compost, really — the rotting pulp of previous Max Martin hits, rejected by Katy and Britney and left to fester in a little plastic bin under the sink until these Glee twerps came along to dump it out. It dropped from 53 to 79 this week, but I wouldn't worry — they're probably working on a dope "Horse with No Name" cover that'll put them back on top next week.

BRAD PAISLEY, "THIS IS COUNTRY MUSIC" | This one's been lingering in the middle of the Hot 100 for a few months. It's barely hanging on this week, dropping from 81 to 98, and I'm not too sad to see it go. I've never liked Brad Paisley's face. He's a little weaselly; he doesn't have the facial clout to carry off that giant hat. He always looks as if he were drowning in it. Even Garth Brooks looked better in a hat, and that big face of his always made him look a little like Saturn. Now, Tim McGraw, there was a man who could hold up a hat. Whoops, forgot to talk about the song.

1  |  2  |   next >
Related: The Big Hurt: Bieber dolls are coming!, The Big Hurt: Hit men get hit, plus Kid Rock, ICP, Dave Grohl, Steven Tyler, Lil B & Jay Electronica, and Bieberwatch, The Big Hurt: Smash Mouth egg, Juggalos gather, Oasis grump, Bieber fades, More more >
  Topics: Music Features , Music, Music Charts, Chris Brown,  More more >
| More

Most Popular
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   THE BIG HURT: LUPE’S CAREER CHANGE  |  March 19, 2013
    You may have already had a big luxurious eye roll at celebrities as "creative directors" of companies ...
  •   WHO CHARTED: SMOOTH JAZZ SONGS  |  March 12, 2013
    If you dig deep enough into Billboard.com's genre charts, past the foreign hits, past the Latin and Christian stuff and the MySpace streaming charts, you'll find one last afterthought: Smooth Jazz.
    In her long career of pushing boundaries, Madonna has run afoul of some of the world's most powerful institutions.
  •   THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER  |  February 26, 2013
    I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.
  •   THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS  |  February 20, 2013
    Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.

 See all articles by: DAVID THORPE