big hurt cheese

"It's definitely cheese, but not as the nation knows it."

These are the words of visionary dairy technologist ALEX JAMES, previously best known as the bassist of BLUR. But who needs to recall trifling musical dalliances when relating the biography of a man who has revolutionized cheese? According to a piece in The Independent, "James, formerly a darling of the dairy community as a past winner at the British Cheese Awards, has astonished food critics by launching a supermarket range aimed at the family market, with flavours including curry, tomato ketchup, and sweet chili."

But the aforementioned critical astonishment is not altogether positive: James's controversial cheese futurism is a bit too shocking for some Luddites. Juliet Harbutt (tee hee), founder of the British Cheese Awards, gives the flavored cheeses a scathing review. "I think it's a real shame that a range of cheeses created for children is so dumbed down," she says. "Children have great palettes [sic] and they love interesting cheese, and I don't think you need to dumb them down."

"Dumbed down?" Au contraire, you bad idiot — more like smarted up! James is on the vanguard of a truly extraordinary future: now that cheese has been infused with the flavor of ketchup, it's only a matter of time before entire cheeseburgers — with beef, onions, lettuce, tomato, bacon, and all — are compressed into pre-sliced cheese singles so you can carry them around in your wallet.

This week in everybody-loses news: the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS hired tiresome hipster novelty unit Kreayshawn to film a music video for them, then scrapped it because it sucked so bad that even Anthony Kiedis noticed. They hired a new director and made a new video which involves them performing the song live on a fucking rooftop, if you can believe it. To quote George Harrison on The Simpsons, "Been done."

Headline of the week, courtesy of Billboard.com: "Oasis' NOEL GALLAGHER Suing Brother Liam Over Libel." While it's a fun story no matter how you slice it, it's actually Liam who's suing Noel. I'm warmed to the cockles to find that even after all these years, America still can't tell those feuding troglo-bros apart. (The suit, by the way, has since been dropped; Noel apologized for all the mean things he said.)

NICOLE SCHERZINGER, lead vocalist of erstwhile novelty burlesque troupe the PUSSYCAT DOLLS, is prepping the US release of her first solo album. Killer Love was released in the UK in March, but it's being retooled for American appetites with more 50 Cent verses, R. Kelly collabs, and exactly the same number of Sting duets.

But if you're expecting more "Don't Cha" or "Stickwitu," prepare to have your mind fucking shattered, dude: "I want to share a whole other side of me," Scherzinger told Billboard. "It's a lot deeper than Pussycat Dolls."

Deeper even than Pussycat Dolls, says she? Jonny Greenwood better start stocking up on surplus ondes Martenots and contemplating sculptures and shit, because Radiohead are in for a major intellectual arms race.

Leathery Cabo cabana boy SAMMY HAGAR is about to release a second album with Chickenfoot, the supergroup also featuring Chili Peppers stickman Chad Smith and legendary fret-jerker Joe Satriani. In a recent Billboard piece, Sammy explained why the record is called Chickenfoot III:

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