The Big Hurt: Unnecessary press release roundup

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By DAVID THORPE  |  December 14, 2011

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No matter how lazy music writers get, we can't spin every press release into a freebie news story, or even a scrap of "Web content" (shudder) for whichever shit aggregator pays our parking tickets. But still I hold vigil between the wire and the wastebasket, catching those releases too wretched to find a home.


Vending Industry Continues to Thank Gen Y with The Gratitude Tracks

Following its successful seven-city Gratitude Tour, the National Automatic Merchandising Association (NAMA) announced that it is giving away a music sampler, The Gratitude Tracks, consisting of 17 free, downloadable, original songs.

The Gratitude Tour took vending on the road this fall to convey thanks to Gen Y (ages 18-29) and other loyal consumers for preferring vending and to reinforce that vending delivers what consumers want, when they want it, and where they want it.

Dude! You're so welcome! Your generous downloadable compilation is a gift I'll cherish forever — not just for the hot jams, but for the touching gesture from one noble industry to a whole generation. As a 29-year-old Gen Y vending enthusiast, I assure you that this is exactly the kind of horseshit my people are super into, and I commend your PR dudes for hitting the nail right on the head. I'm definitely going to pass this on to all my Gen Y friends through my favorite social-media channels. The absurd amount of money you spent on this tour and web campaign is totally worth it, because this is about to go viral as heck!


Legendary Singer-songwriters David Crosby, Shawn Colvin, Randy Newman, Kenny Loggins, Zooey Deschanel Contribute to Everychild CD

You think I'm going to let that shit slide just because it's a charity compilation? Naw. Good cause or not, you don't get to whip out "legendary" in such a cavalier fashion. Crosby is legit, Randy Newman's got a nice trophy case, and Loggins did that ill Caddyshack jam. I'll even look the other way on Colvin, since she beat "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone" for '98 Song of the Year. But Zooey Deschanel? Sheesh, fellas, give it a few months.


Julian Pavone, "The World's Youngest Drummer®" and Guinness World Record Holder Receives His Second Patent

Guinness World Record Holder Julian Pavone, "The World's Youngest Professional Drummer®" receives a second patent for his innovative drum gloves — making him the "World's Youngest Inventor!®".

See those little ®s by the kid's titles? They mean his parents are totally sane! More highlights:

He is currently 7 years old and plays a 22-piece custom drum set with 17 cymbals. . . . He has received worldwide media coverage with more than 40,000 newspaper and magazine articles . . . appeared on more than 200 television and news shows . . . starred in a television show pilot, "Finding Julian's Band®" . . . received numerous honors and awards, including "Maury's Most Talented Kid" of 2009, "The 2007 Rock and Roll Lifetime Achievement Award."

Lifetime achievement? Slow your roll, junior! When last I featured Pavone, his publicity machine was boasting that he'd been invited to study at Berklee College of Music — a claim that was shot down by Berklee's PR people when the Phoenix requested comment. He was just three then; now he's more than twice as old, and the sun is setting on his Youngest Drummer® fame — he still pounds out beats at the level of a talented preteen, but he's getting outclassed on YouTube by cuter five-year-olds.

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