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We've all given serious thought to buying an expensive Tiffany ring, flying to the UK, and busting into KATE BUSH's house to propose marriage. Sorry news: not only did some dude beat us to it, but it actually turned out pretty badly.

The Daily Mail reports that an imprudent American romantic named Frank Tufaro made the attempt after tracking down Bush's address online. Alas, things didn't work out: after Tufaro wasted a £240 cab ride from London to the married singer's country manse, he found that she wasn't even home.

"I've never broken the law in my life and decided to break a window pane and let myself in so I wouldn't freeze to death," Tufaro told the Mail. "I didn't have a clue where I was and was convinced I was going to die there, it was so bitter and cold." Kate Bush fans should be familiar with the scenario, which mirrors the chorus of her 1978 hit "Wuthering Heights": "[Kate Bush], it's me, [Frankie], I'm so cold/let me into your window."

To Tufaro, the break-in didn't seem like a big deal, since he was probably about to own the place anyway. He milled around inside a while, then got cold feet and took off. He was caught on the property, detained under the UK Mental Health Act, and deported to the States, where the FBI attempted to disabuse him of his romantic ambitions. It didn't seem to work. "I feel so connected to her," Tufaro told the Mail. "I feel so much love for her and I want to protect her." The good news: Bush never officially said no! Keep at it, buddy!

May I interest you in a juxtaposition? Check out this sweet roster of talent from a Bud Light press release: "50 CENT, BARENAKED LADIES, LIL JON, and PITBULL Headline Bud Light Hotel Concert Line Up." I'm not usually a big Bud Light fan, but I've gotta hand it to them on this one — they've devised a truly ingenious way to get Barenaked Ladies bottled to death.

My pick for wackest zing of the year goes to MADONNA for her goddamn eye-roller of a LADY GAGA insult. You've probably heard the basics already, but the perversity is in the details: during a 20/20 interview, she was asked what she thought of "Born This Way" and its similarity to "Express Yourself." "It felt, uh, reductive," she replied with a sly smirk. That would have been a pretentious enough dis by lofty verbiage alone, but she had to push it: the interviewer asked if that was a good thing, and Madonna smirked harder, paused, took a swig of tea, paused again, amped up the smirk to dangerous open-mouthed levels and told her to look it up.

Yeah, "Born This Way" is a cheap imitation of "Express Yourself." Nobody denies that, except Lady Gaga fans comfortable with a little self-delusion (and Lady Gagas comfortable with a lot of it). But that doesn't matter anymore, because the sin of copycatting seems trivial compared to Madonna's jaw-dropping, villainous snootery.

Elsewhere in weak burns, JULIETTE LEWIS tweeted the following during LANA DEL REY's recent SNL performance: "Wow watching this 'singer' on SNL is like watching a 12 yearold [sic] in their bedroom when theyre [sic] pretending to sing and perform #signofourtimes." Sure, Del Rey's performance was a nervous disaster — she kept failing to hit low notes that weren't even in the song, or something — but considering Juliette's glass pop career, she might want to be careful with those stones.

She realized as much the next day, when she deleted the tweet and lavished some Internet praise on Lana. Looks like this feud is dead on arrival; guess we can safely turn our attention back to the idiotic but red-hot AZEALIA/KREAYSHAWN thing.

DAVID THORPE | dthorpe@phx.com

  Topics: Big Hurt , Music, Juliette Lewis, Juliette Lewis,  More more >
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