The Big Hurt: Wheelchair songs

Music news in brief
By DAVID THORPE  |  April 13, 2012

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To whatever benevolent universal force tried to put a stop to the next CRAZY TOWN record by placing SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK in a coma last week: thanks, but further comas won't be necessary. We need Shifty healthy so we might continue trolling him on Twitter, laughing at his name, and hating his music. It's slightly less fun to make fun of a sick guy; plus, should the unthinkable happen, we'd be tormented for days with "Butterfly" and goddamned "Starry Eyed Surprise" clips on the news.

TMZ reports that Shifty is now conscious, responsive, and speaking occasionally. Doctors expect a full recovery; here's hoping he'll keep sucking for many more years

An EU court has ruled that Dutch wheelchair company You-Q can no longer market its "BEATLE" powerchair model, since it interferes with a rather well-known brand. According to the ruling, the Beatles trademark is "synonymous with youth and a certain counterculture of the 1960s, an image which is still positive. That positive image could benefit the goods covered by the mark applied for, since the relevant public, on account specifically of the handicap in question, would be particularly attracted by the very positive image of freedom, youth, and mobility associated with the Beatles." I don't know, the mobility angle seems like a wash — like many powerchair customers of their generation, only half of them are still moving around.

In other gross misuses of the name, PAUL MCCARTNEY's soft-headed embarrassment of a boy, James, is threatening a son-studded sequel to the Beatles. Though the fluffy manlet is presently laboring under the delusion of his own music career, he revealed in a BBC interview that he'd like to team up with other Beatles children to form a next-gen supergroup: "Sean seemed to be into it, Dhani seemed to be into it. I'd be happy to do it." Alas, Ringo's steadily employed kid is a holdout.

"Yeah, hopefully, naturally. I don't know, you'd have to wait and see," McCartney dim-wittedly waffled. "The will of God, nature's support, I guess. So yeah, maybe."

(It seems the poor, melon-domed creature once dreamt of surpassing his father's accomplishments. "I'm not sure if I can do that," he told the BBC. "If anything, I would love to be equal to the Beatles — but even that's quite tough." No shit? To see just how tough it's gonna be, check YouTube for his debut Letterman performance from a couple months ago — yeesh.)

FRED DURST is allegedly itching to boot a few members from the Bizkit, since their hard-partying ways are incompatible with the rap-rok auteur's "new vision" for the group. "We've worked together the last four years to bring Limp Bizkit back to where it is today," possibly soon-to-be-ex member DJ Lethal told TMZ, "and to just be thrown out on the street after the band gets a new deal and a new chance at life isn't cool." Buck up, Lethal! Getting fired from Limp Bizkit is like getting fired from the gas station: you might be broke for a few months, but it's not like you're going to wind up with a shittier job.

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