Brace yourself, guy who still has tremendous respect for GUNS N' ROSES, because I have some troubling news: the band is planning a 12-night Vegas residency at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. I suppose it should come as no surprise, given that Axl's been slouching around the globe with the Guns N' Roses cabaret parody revue for as long as anyone can remember. Still, it's slightly alarming to witness the fate of rock and roll's ultimate bad boy — dripping bandana sweat on an off-the-strip stage night after night like a bad comedian. Slightly too chilling a metaphor for the fate of rock itself, isn't it?

Oh, and then there's Slash angling to get on Sesame Street: in a conversation with Rip It Up magazine, Slash said, "Sesame Street have never approached me, though I would do it, and I love kids. There's no way I'd ever turn Sesame Street down." The magazine has created an online petition to get Slash featured on the venerable kiddie show, but so far it only has 15 signatures, because hey, fuck that.

In a canny publishing move, SCOTT STAPP of Creed is striking while the iron's hot: now, at the lofty peak of American Creed goodwill, he's co-authoring a tell-all memoir about his turbulent years of fame, substance abuse, depression, and quasi-Jesus-y butt-grunge hollering. Writing duties are shared with serial co-memoirist David Ritz; he's fresh off last year's SCOTT WEILAND tome, which is gaining newfound critical acclaim as only the second-least necessary rock memoir of our time.

Baffling cultural vestige KENNY G is filing for divorce from his longtime wife; it took me a minute to remember if it was G or Yanni who was arrested for domestic violence, but I won't spoil your fun by reminding you. Just remember the Thomas Kinkade rule: always assume horseshit adult contemporary artists are hiding dark and terrible secrets, because sooner or later it'll turn out true — remember when ZAMFIR ate all those cats? Anywho, the Associated Press reports that Kenny "does not want to pay spousal support," and will be seeking joint custody of his son, Warren G.

QUEENSRŸCHE's legal rumble continues to get deeper and less interesting. The band recently fired their singer, Geoff Tate, for being a dickhead and spelling his name stupidly; he's suing them for wrongful termination, hoping to stop them from tarnishing the sterling Queensrÿche brand by carrying on without him. In a modern twist, the band and the singer are running warring "official" Queensrÿche websites, Twitter accounts, and Facebook pages. Choose your side carefully, for the fate of high-concept jerk-off '80s prog-metal hangs in the balance.

(You may think this is small potatoes, but these guys are into some big money — they get royalties from Unicode every time someone types a "ÿ" character.)

Even weirder: Billboard also reports that the J. GEILS BAND is being threatened with legal action by founder J. Geils, who is no longer a member of the J. Geils Band. Predictably, he doesn't want them touring under his name; slightly less predictably, the J. Geils Band doesn't want J. Geils performing under his own name, since it may cause confusion among fans of the J. Geils Band, of which J. Geils is not a part. J. Geils successfully claimed the trademark to the name "J. Geils Band" in 2008, but the rogue J. Geils Band is citing an agreement J. Geils signed in 1982 which limits his use of the name.

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