COL_BIGHURT_WEIGL

It's a time of great upheaval for America's restaurant of last resort: Arby's is getting a major brand revamp with a new marketing campaign called "Slicing Up the Truth About Freshness"— you'd be forgiven for thinking Arby's is intent on destroying the truth about freshness, but maybe they're trying to highlight, in the dumbest words imaginable, their commitment to freshly slicing roast beef.

The campaign includes TV spots "featuring former New York City Police Detective Bo Dietl on a mission to expose the truth about fresh slicing." I think I get it now: so fresh slicing is some kind of heinous crime, and a detective is working to uncover it while the sinister Arby's corporation tries to destroy the evidence? Eat at Arby's and be implicated in a vast beef conspiracy!

Hey, I'm a Twitter-savvy millennial with the attention span of a moth. How do these wine-industry clowns expect me to read an entire label? [Insert black- and-white footage of me in the wine aisle, throwing my hands up in frustration.] If only there were a wine that could keep up with my fast-paced lifestyle — oh, look! Winery Exchange is now launching their "millennial-influenced" Acronym GR8 Red Wine, which, according to its brand developer, "embraces 'digital efficiency' in the modern world while elevating the communication style that is evident in the everyday lexicon for millennials." Says its director of creative services (different person), "Acronyms are a huge part of [the millennial] consumer's vocabulary, so the brand name instantly grabs their attention with its cerebral word-play."

Uh huh: cerebral word-play. As a cosmopolitan millennial oenophile, I can't w8 to t8ste this sophistic8ed Y'n 4 myd7lf 5saj oijdfgs.

Trouble brewing: the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council has declared October "National Sausage Month," while the North American Vegetarian Society has declared it "Vegetarian Awareness Month." Get your doomsday-prepper bug-out bag packed up with shotgun shells and urine treatment stills, because some Turner Diaries shit is about to go down.

Dare you dispute that ours is the greatest of all possible nations? Look here, you: at the Texas State Fair, heroic Frito-Lay engineers constructed a 1300-pound tribute to American supremacy: the World's Largest Frito Chili Pie. The heartstopping snack behemoth boasted 635 bags of Fritos, 660 cans of chili, and 580 bags of shredded cheddar cheese, according to the Dallas Morning News. The Guinness people were on hand to certify the world record, cementing our status as the world's #1 leader in everything. The great American experiment has now concluded; it was a success.

Jamba Juice is getting ready for its first blockbuster tie-in arrangement: it's partnered with Summit Entertainment to promote Twilight: Breaking Dawn. "Jamba Juice has created a nutritious and exclusive, Limited Time Only ('LTO') movie-themed smoothie for fans to enjoy during the promotion period," a press release boasts. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes: it's made of blood.

From the world of low cuisine: at a casino meet-and-greet in Washington state, a woman — characterized as a "fan," but I'm not so sure — attempted to eat Danny Bonaduce's face. Washington's News Tribune reports that the woman asked if she could give the former child star a kiss on the cheek; when he accepted, she clamped her remora-like teeth into his face and wouldn't let go until she was dragged away by concerned onlookers. Bonaduce was flapped but uneaten, and has no plans to press charges. Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, a ginger-hungry cannibal remains at large.

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