BIEBERWATCH! Our fledgling manlet has reportedly had his first taste of heartache! E! News — and everyone else in the world, by now — brings word that Biebs has been dumped by longtime gee eff Selena Gomez, who complained of conflicting schedules and "trust issues" (Bieber had lately been spied gallivanting with a young Victoria's Secret model).
To veteran Bieberwatchers, it's no shock that the relationship ended in dumpage; Justin has become, by most media accounts, quite the little shit. I don't hold it against him; I was a little shit at his age, I'm an even bigger shit more than a decade on, and God only knows how tremendous a shit I would become if I were rich, famous, or attractive. Persistent celeb-gossip and blind-item rumors accused Bieber of being an uneven boyfriend, possessed of a wandering eye, sometimes cruel and arrogant but occasionally executing the kind of grand gestures — renting out the Staples Center for a private showing of Titanic — that require a genuinely devoted PR team.
She may be better off rid of him, and Bieberwatch won't likely suffer. Bieber and Gomez didn't make a compelling celebrity couple, if such a thing even exists. On the brink of Bieber's transition into smoldering masculinity, the baby-faced Selena seemed like a relic of his more cherubic days. Plus, their names didn't combine pleasingly, as is required of all power couples: Jelena? Bieb-ez? Selieber? Sebulba?
Naturally, the rest of the junk media is taking the split well. After a few photo slideshows of the young couple in happier times, they'll be relieved to move on. A single Bieber is a much better story, since it creates a compelling pop-culture power vacuum: whose comforts shall our heartsick teen twink seek?
They're already lining up replacements. Billboard.com has assembled brief dossiers of eligible suitresses, leading off with natural match Carly Rae Jepsen: they're "good friends," share management, and have already released a romantic duet. From there, it moves through wishful Twitter-crashing pairings like Taylor Swift and Rihanna and onward to the highly speculative: "From what we can tell, Justin Bieber and Jennifer Lawrence have never actually met, but when they do, who's to say whether or not sparks will fly?"
By the end of the Billboard.com item, things get pretty fanciful: "Although they may not speak the same language, Biebs and 20-year-old South Korea native HyunA both speak the language of love in their effortlessly catchy musical stylings."
Meanwhile, tvguide.com is putting it up to an online vote — nonbinding, of course, but you can be sure Bieber's management will be keeping a close eye. "Could you see Bieber making beautiful music with another musician like Taylor Swift or Demi Lovato? Or should he go the cougar route with an older woman like Katy Perry or Demi Moore?" Yes, being 28 apparently puts Katy in the "cougar" category alongside the 50-year-old Moore — I guess that means Carly Rae is only two years away from cougarhood (and, ouch, I'm two years into it).
One option in the tvguide.com vote is "me," which doesn't seem like the best match — I'm sure we'd get along fine in terms of renting Die Hard and playing Xbox, but Justin is a young man with raging hormones, and he deserves a more enthusiastic lover. Plus, if the rumors that Bieber berated Gomez for her minimal baby fat are true, I'm sure he wouldn't tolerate my sloppy frame.