Although it's understandable if you've assumed otherwise, as the frequency with which musical-equipment retailers have been closing down in recent years has made it harder to acquire a snazzy new axe or drum kit without resorting to a B & E. While the demise of Daddy's Junky Music has made life tougher for Berklee kids when they break a string, at least we've still got Guitar Center and the much smaller but nonetheless shipshape Mr. Music in Allston.
6. PLAYING IN A BAND WON'T HELP YOU GET LAID
Chances are, rock folklore has led you to believe that if a person merely stumbles on stage with some type of instrument, adoring fans will immediately plead to do fun stuff with their mouths to that individual's goodie parts. Arguably, one of the downsides to living in a place where virtually everyone is in a band is no one finds being in a band impressive. Excluding anyone who gets famous (as in, probably not you), most of the area musicians who get laid a lot would probably still be doing that if they aspired to be furniture-store tycoons instead of professional songwriters. So if you're going through a dry spell, don't start playing music! Fix your shitty personality, which is probably the real reason no one wants to fuck you.
7. NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BANDMATES
Because you're ignoring my advice, you'll be surprised when you're still not getting any oral sex after six months as a bona fide member of the local rock scene. Desperation and boredom will make the cardinal sin of bandcest look like a solution. (After all, your bandmates won't be getting any oral sex, either.) The sad tales of Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, John Doe and Exene Cervenka, and Axl Rose and Slash remind us that intra-band romances always fail, so you better make sure the sex is worth the dramabomb that's doomed to detonate and probably break your band up. For accessories and prophylactics, swing into Condom World, the Amazing.net store, or Good Vibrations.
8. EVERYONE IGNORES FACEBOOK INVITES
It's all well and good to make the best possible use of social networking to plug your shows. However, consider that you've stopped paying attention to the 20 or so invites that drop into your message box per day because they're almost all for events you have no interest in attending or take place in a city you moved away from two years ago. Everyone who's "liked" your band is doing the same thing.
Ergo, some non-digital legwork and creativity go a long way toward making sure your potential audiences know where and when you're scheduled to perform. Design an ironic and/or abrasive flyer and slap copies up on one of the public bulletin boards around town. There's a few on Harvard Ave in Allston, and a very prominent one in Jamaica Plain's Hyde Square.
9. YOU CAN SELL YOUR DNA
Because the payouts from most of your gigs won't even cover your bar tabs, your survival will soon depend on dumpster-diving for stale bagels and picking up half-smoked cigarettes off the sidewalk. If no one wants to pay you for the poetry of your soul, remember that some people might pay for the likely equally flawed poetry of your genetic goop. Check to see if you can trade in your sperm or eggs for cash at one of the many fine fertility clinics located around our metropolis. After all, jerking off into a cup sure beats getting a day job.
10. BEING A DRUMMER IS THE WORST
They carry around three times as much gear and probably put in more physical exertion than anyone else in the band. Meanwhile, they get no credit, rarely get an equal cut of any royalties, and are always the first to get fired. Never learn how to play the drums.
>> BARRYTHOMPSON84@GMAIL.COM :: @BARELYTOMSON
