Popular douches, hetero boyfriends, and softie gangstas

The Big Hurt tackles Tori Amos, Pete Wentz, and Ice Cube
By DAVID THORPE  |  June 17, 2008

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Sincere apologies for my absence last week. I had a massive kidney stone — probably some kind of divine come-uppance for all those times I made fun of Christian rock. I invite those of you who hate me to take a moment to delight in my pain. And now, the news:

If you’re thinking of dumping your girlfriend, now’s a perfect time: TORI AMOS is preparing a stage musical, a graphic novel, and a “project of new music and visuals.” Retreat now, boyfriends! Amos saturation approaching critical early-’90s levels!

As I write this, idealess pop-metal trogs DISTURBED have the #1 album in the country for the third time in their careers. I can’t quite figure it out; usually, when something stupid tops the charts, you can use the ol’ “idiots will buy anything” explanation. But seriously — they’ll buy that? By the time you read this, however, the #1 slot should be safely held down by LIL WAYNE.

BOY GEORGE is set to headline the New York City sanitation department’s “Family Day” gathering. Yes, there’s a somewhat reasonable explanation for this, but I feel it’ll be more fun if I let you draw your own conclusions.

If you’ve been disillusioned by all the recent arrests of major rappers, here’s something to cheer you up: has-been arrests! Erstwhile regulator WARREN G narrowly ducked a drug charge, and COOLIO was hauled in for an outstanding traffic misdemeanor and released on $10,000 bail. I guess the biggest news here is that Coolio had 10 grand.

And, in the exact opposite of the usual legal news about rappers: New York governor DAVID PATERSON has issued a full pardon to SLICK RICK, wiping out the weapons charges that kept the rapper jailed for six years in the ’90s.

Sure, having total recall for shitty music sounds like fun, but what’s the last time you had ROB ZOMBIE’s “Dragula” stuck in your head for six days straight? Kill me.

50 CENT has been embroiled in a heated legal argument with an ex-girlfriend over the ownership of a $2.4 million house on Long Island. Not long after his attempts to evict the ex were unsuccessful, the house mysteriously and not-at-all-suspiciously burnt down. Sometimes life just throws wacky coincidences at us out of nowhere, right 50?

In an apparent response to NAS’s “Be a Nigger” single (“To all my kike niggers, spic niggers, guinea niggers, chink niggers/that’s right, y’all my niggers too.”), AMY WINEHOUSE has released a controversial new video in which she makes an equally electrifying lyrical statement: “Blacks, pakis, gooks and nips, gooks and nips.” (Sung to the tune of “Head, shoulders, knees, and toes.”) Many news sources interpreted the video as senseless, drunken, racist dalliance and not as a bold statement on today’s racially charged climate. The nay-sayers also overlooked one important mitigating detail: Winehouse did the eye-stretching “Chinee” face during the song, a gesture that’s long been a hallmark of sophisticated racial discourse.

Hey, YOU! Stop delighting in my pain! That’s long enough!

OZZY OSBOURNE has won his libel suit against England’s Daily Star tabloid, which reported that he was in ill health at this year’s Brit Awards. The paper stated that the singer collapsed before the show and had to be scooted around on an electric cart. Had he not litigated, these allegations might have damaged Ozzy’s sterling reputation as a virile, able-bodied, non-doddering rock-and-roll hunk.

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