Vicious squircles

The Big Hurt: grave errors and virtual disappointments
By DAVID THORPE  |  July 15, 2008

080718_bighurt_main
Someone has made off with IAN CURTIS’s gravestone. The motive is unknown; the press has speculated that it was a deranged fan or someone hoping to cash in by hawking the stone, but everybody seems to be ignoring the most elegant and obvious answer — just look for all the terminally ill guys in Manchester who happen to be named Ian Curtis. What with the hospital bills and all, they’ve gotta cut corners somewhere.

Curtis could not be reached for comment.

Yet more alarming holiday-album news: SHERYL CROW is set to release a collection of Christmas songs sponsored by Hallmark. At what point does an artist — any artist, even Sheryl Crow — just stop giving a shit about being for real? Are her friends even making fun of her for this stuff anymore, or are they all like, “Oh, congratulations, you got more money”? I’m guessing she got into the whole music thing to express herself and be bohemian and what-not, and now she’s older and richer and doing this Barry Manilow holiday shit, and it’s getting sold in Hallmark Gold Crown stores next to little cards that say, “Smile, Grandpa! You’ll be with Jesus soon,” and I wonder whether she even notices how square it is. For her sake, though, I hope she wakes up every day and looks in the mirror and it’s like Martin Sheen in that first scene from Apocalypse Now.

Speaking of square: NELLY, N.E.R.D., and LINKIN PARK will be lending their considerable credibility to a new marketing campaign by New Era (hat company) and Zune (digital music player). The Microsoft Zune, you may recall, was the hottest technology must-not-have of 2006, and it’s gone on to sell more than 700 units. The artists will be featured in short “Webisodes” in which they tell the Zune-hungry public about all the fantastic music that they have on their totally not-unsexy Zunes, which they would totally be caught dead with. Somehow, hats will be involved.

The “Webisode” concept, if you didn’t know, is a device concocted by hack viral marketing consultants to exploit the popular theory that any video put up on the Web will be watched by millions of people for no apparent reason. Having worked on the Web, I can tell you that viral marketing dudes are like organ grinders; you pay them to shut up.

And, in a chilling coda to the tale of one machine’s unhipness, the press has been referring to the Zune’s round-cornered touchpad as a “squircle.” Let that one shudder through your system. I just had kidney stones, and let me tell you: the word “squircle” is worse.

Even after the little Glastonbury donnybrook, JAY-Z told MTV News he’d be willing to collaborate with OASIS someday. “It doesn’t matter to me, I don’t bear any grudge,” quoth the Hov. “I just believe in good music and bad music, I’ve always said that.” It’s always refreshing to hear from an artist who, despite all the money and fame, still harbors a sincere belief in bad music. Although he happens to create good music himself, Jay has proved himself a studious patron of badness through high-profile collaborations with LINKIN PARK and R. KELLY.

1  |  2  |   next >
Related: Chronicle of a death foretold, Pleasures still unknown, Post-punk pantheon, More more >
  Topics: Music Features , Madonna (Entertainer), Britney Spears, Celebrity News,  More more >
| More


Most Popular
ARTICLES BY DAVID THORPE
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   THE BIG HURT: LUPE’S CAREER CHANGE  |  March 19, 2013
    You may have already had a big luxurious eye roll at celebrities as "creative directors" of companies ...
  •   WHO CHARTED: SMOOTH JAZZ SONGS  |  March 12, 2013
    If you dig deep enough into Billboard.com's genre charts, past the foreign hits, past the Latin and Christian stuff and the MySpace streaming charts, you'll find one last afterthought: Smooth Jazz.
  •   THE BIG HURT: THIS WEEK IN OFFENSIVE CONTENT  |  March 08, 2013
    In her long career of pushing boundaries, Madonna has run afoul of some of the world's most powerful institutions.
  •   THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER  |  February 26, 2013
    I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.
  •   THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS  |  February 20, 2013
    Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.

 See all articles by: DAVID THORPE