I am a man who loves a good corporate doofus, and this week's glistening-prize-hog-doofus quote goes to TOM WELCH, Wal-Mart's senior music buyer, who manages to make Foreigner sound even squarer than Foreigner: "When Foreigner played at the company's annual shareholders meeting, the band's (appeal) was reinforced by how much our associates loved it," he told Billboard, explaining Foreigner's exclusive release partnership with Retail Satan for their upcoming comeback album. I'm also giving mad-doofus props to Billboard for the "(appeal)" thing — I don't know why, but it just puts a greasy little moustache on the whole affair.

I'm also a sucker for a good rap dis, and the GAME stepped up with a fresh angle on JAY-Z this week. Calling Hov old is almost a cliché, but Game took it to another level. "Jay's problem is that some people just don't want to get old," he said in a recent radio interview. "He got a problem like my dad got that problem. My dad, he just still trying to be young, like, rockin' fitted caps, and I'm like, 'Pops, you 60. You gotta chill.' Jay got that problem. He don't want to get old. It's cool to get old. But a lot of people have that problem, especially when they don't have children. But he don't got no children. I don't know what's up with that. Maybe he ain't fertile." That's right — he's attacking the man's sperm.

This week in extremely classy shit: a MADONNA ex-boyfriend is auctioning off some micro-cassette tapes featuring "erotic phone messages" left by the singer in the '90s. Various reports state that the tapes are expected to fetch up to 40 grand, which is a pretty high price tag for pure, dismal creepiness. Plus, the tapes are from that phase where everything Madonna did was "erotic" to the point of losing all meaning. Which means you're buying the cow when you could get the milk in CD shops and upscale adult bookstores.

I hope you've all had a chance to check out CHRIS BROWN's apology video, in which he finally breaks his silence over his alleged assault on Rihanna. His words are compelling: he accepts responsibility, promises repentance, and offers no excuses. Well, maybe a tiny one: he mentions growing up in a violent home, though he doesn't explicitly play the "product of my environment" card. The whole thing is a little soured, however, by his awkward, theatrical, deer-in-the-headlights delivery. Is this guy for real, or is he just reading a statement his publicist prepared?

Looking for someone to shed further light on the matter, I sent an e-mail to Maureen O'Sullivan, a psychology professor at the University of San Francisco known for her research on spotting liars. Probably mistaking me for a real journalist, she graciously offered her expertise. Says Dr. O'Sullivan:

"An interesting video, obviously rehearsed, since his manner is so deadened in comparison with his usual interviews and his music videos. He has a lot of eyebrow moves that he uses as illustrators — the way some people move their hands to illustrate or emphasize their words. He does this in his music videos as well. The movements here are part of a fear expression, but I would not put too much value on that given that the whole statement is scripted. It is more that he is not a great actor. With real distress/sadness, I would expect to see sad brows, not fear ones. What is most telling, however, is the deadened, flattened appearance of his face overall, so unlike his usual animated face.

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  Topics: Big Hurt , Madonna (Entertainer), Celebrity News, game,  More more >
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