Back in the saddle again

By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  August 11, 2011

"Now if you don't mind, you and I have some feverish high-class writing to do that would make H.L. and S.J. whinny. Oh, and I brought you a few things from the road. If you'll notice — looking at what I've got draped over the duvet in the boudoir — I still think the best boas are made from the feathers of an endangered species of bird from Mozambique. And yes, those are a few of Fidel's finest in the humidor. They won't let him smoke them anymore unless it's a photo op. He ends up coughing like a hot-wired pick-up truck in Casey Anthony's trailer park. And the reason Prince Wills didn't wear any medals at the wedding is because they are wrapped in that monogrammed handkerchief on the nightstand. You're welcome."


DRIVE OFFENSIVELY

It used to be that when you ventured out onto Vo Dilun highways during the summer, the worst you could encounter were drivers from neighboring Massachusetts, 50 percent of whom are probably drunk and talking on cell phones. Their unpredictability, total disregard for traffic signs, and outright imbecility and rudeness rightly earned them the sobriquet "Massholes."

But we hadn't seen anything. The influx of tourists from Connecticut, the retarded preppie in Little Rhody's basement, seems to exceed even the worst that the Massholes have to offer. These clowns are beyond the pale in their accident-provoking behavior behind the wheel, but seem pleased with themselves for being arrogantly ignorant. Therefore, political correctness knocked into a ditch and left to die, might we suggest now calling these auto antagonists stupid "Connts?"


TO DIE FOR

It was generally accepted that when the Navy SEALs made their midnight booty call to Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad and then used him for chum that our capon-in-chief Barack Obama now had a hardass, you-da-man trump card to play with the tattoos-and-tall-boys crowd in the 2012 election. Hey, we got Osama! We won the War On Terror!

No so fast, Barry. The deaths of 22 Navy Seals among 30 American troops and several Afghan soldiers killed when their Chinook helicopter was blown out of the sky by the Taliban amid a rescue mission for Army Rangers in some Allah-forsaken hellhole in Wardak Province should take away quite a bit of that swagger. This nightmare and the killings of four other American troops that day made it the worst single day US forces had experienced since this farcical, diabolical exercise in death, duplicity, and financial destruction at home began.

The president and all the members of Congress, still hiding under their beds because a squirrel farted in their backyards, continue to put the lives some of our best and most courageous young men on the line for the likes of Hamid Karzai, third world troglodytes, and local war lords and drug merchants who have the ethics of Wall Street investment bankers.

Our troops in Afghanistan and Iraq are in the wrong place for all the wrong reasons. If there was indeed a God, Dubya, Deadeye Dick Cheney, Obama, and every US senator and representative who voted to let these wars go forward would be in the dock at the Hague charged as war criminals alongside Radovan Karadzic (and toss in Herr Kissinger for good measure).

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