Come on down!

Notes from Palm Beach; the grapplin’ GOP; the king of cinematic bombast
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  November 30, 2011

Time for P&J's annual sojourn to Casa Diablo South in Palm Beach, where we hustle PGA Tour wannabes on the golf course for Pernod and Cuban cigar money.

Speaking of spare change, P&J made the mistake of arriving with male tote accessories (do not call them "purses") stuffed to the brim with Euros. This proved to be a bad decision thanks to our friends in Greece and Italy (and they are legion) who have made the Big E about as valuable as Confederate dollars in the wartime North.

It is always a whirlwind trip, so here are a couple of P&J's impressions of the state with more types of license plates than Ben & Jerry's has flavors.

MEDIA MIRRORS It seems that Florida's local TV news broadcasts are even lamer than Our Little Towne's, if that's to be believed. But here's the strangest thing: many of the local news broadcasts seem to have Little Rhody doppelgangers. There is a false Mario Hilario — a dead ringer for our own JARhead on NBC; a Danielle North manqué on the CBS local news; an R.J. Heim in drag informing us about the weather on Juno Beach. But the R.J. wannabe does something I've never seen the real R.J. — or anyone else offering up a national forecast — do: point out that the temperatures are coming in from Boston, MASSACHUSETTS, Philadelphia, PENNSYLVANIA, and New York, NEW YORK, lest any of the toothless, pick-up driving, NRA-supporting Mensa members in her viewing audience get those cities confused with metropolises of the same name in Latvia or Uzbekistan.

DUMBER THAN DUBYA? There is a major US Senate candidate down here who, like Dubya, is exceedingly incompetent but riding Daddy's name like a 60-foot wave at Mavericks Beach. And no, it's not Jeb, former governor of Gatorville. US Representative Connie Mack IV has now thrown his baseball cap — with two cans of beer attached, hoses running down to the mouth — into the ring for Senate, much to the joy of local newspaper columnists. One joyous scribe, Frank Cerabino of the Palm Beach Post, took the time to point out Mack's many achievements. Mack IV's only "real" job outside politics, it seems, has been as an events promoter for . . . wait for it . . . Hooters! This career achievement no doubt stemmed from his college degree in advertising, which took him only six-and-a-half years to complete — at age 26. Young Mack was also involved in a number of youthful bust-ups, including getting his ass kicked by a Major League baseball player in a bar fight. And his dedication to the political craft is evident in his voting record. He failed to vote in a number of elections before taking a seat in the Florida House — including one in which his father was trying to win re-election to the Senate seat his progeny is now seeking. But here's the topper, and pay attention, Newt, this one's just for you. After young Connie got elected to the US House, he immediately jettisoned his wife, with whom he had two children, and went D-list celebrity shopping for a new spouse, marrying US Representative Mary Bono, former wife of the beloved old sheepskin vest-wearing Sonny Bono. Note to the residents of Florida: You've got Mack, babe.

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