" 'The Abortionplex's high-tech machinery is capable of terminating one pregnancy every three seconds,' [Planned Parenthood President Cecile] Richards added. 'That's almost a million abortions every month. We're so thrilled!'

"The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption."

The Onion's response to Fleming's genius was, as ever, dry as a bone. Editor Joe Randazzo's statement: "We're delighted to hear that Rep. Fleming is a regular reader of America's Finest News Source and doesn't bother himself with The New York Times, Washington Post, the mediums of television and radio, or any other lesser journalism outlets."

Unfortunately, Fleming's idiotic blunder still can't top that of a Rhode Island General Assembly which signaled its two-footed leap into the "War on Drugs" by passing legislation banning the sale in The Biggest Little of anything derived from "cacao." This, of course, meant any forms of chocolate. Turns out the numbnuts who wrote up the law meant to say "coca," which is used to make cocaine. Needless to say, the law was quickly amended by unnamed red-faced legislators, no doubt still high on Ovaltine.


CLASSIC VO DILUN POLITICS

How embarrassing for Providence City Councilman Samuel Zurier (Ward 2) to be exposed on the front page of the Sunday BeloJo for pressing constituents for a campaign donation after they asked for help repairing a sidewalk in front of the their East Side home.

Councilman Zurier, a Rhodes scholar and Yale graduate (who once clerked for a future Supreme Court justice and was a candidate for a judgeship here in the Biggest Little), would seem to have impeccable credentials but is missing one critical element: good judgment.

The constituents, Dee Dee and Gary Witman, needed the sidewalk repaired because Mr. Witman, an emergency room doctor, became a quadriplegic after a freak ocean accident in Narragansett. Maneuvering his wheelchair had become dangerous with the sidewalk in disrepair.

It's all there on the record, as Councilman Zurier sent a letter to the Witmans whining about the fact that they did not contribute to his campaign after he went to bat for them on the repair (in other words, after he did his job). How could the Rhodes Scholar bumble into a situation that looked, for all the world, like a political shakedown?

And, in classic Vo Dilun fashion, the story gets even more convoluted. When the sidewalk issue was not addressed quickly, Ms. Witman contacted another East Side neighbor, former Mayor Joe Paolino, who looked into the matter for them. Eventually, the sidewalk was repaired (at a cost to the city of $4500 — another issue altogether, as that seems like a rather inflated sum). All P&J say is that this is not the way to do business.

A little birdie tells us that Councilman Zurier, who says he will not resign, may have a strong opponent in the next election cycle: Jennifer Paolino, Mayor Joe's daughter, is said to be weighing a race for Zurier's Ward 2 seat. If this isn't a classic Vo Dilun story, we don't know what is. Stay tuned.


ED'S VALENTINE TO PAUL

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