Anyway, it's important we send somebody who can represent our views on the party platform, particularly to show support for planks against one-world government, Sharia law, and the unconstitutional federal income tax. Because those are the crucial issues for folks here in East Abunni.
Nominations? Shubb Dithersalot is nominated and seconded. I've checked the rules and can find nothing that excludes him from being a half delegate just because he died in that fireworks accident. In fact, it makes ol' Shubb an even better choice, because he won't go changing his mind when exposed to any facts. Also, he won't complain about reclining there with his upper torso in the parking lot.
Finally, it's time for this caucus's main event, the presidential straw poll. Before we cast our ballots, it's important to remind everyone that while there are many criteria to consider in making your choices for the most important office in the land, the one that we as Republicans should never take into account is electability. If we start down that primrose path, we're just going to end up with the likes of Snowe and Susan Collins in the Senate, Paul LePage in the Blaine House, and GOP majorities in the Legislature.
That's the kind of Republican Party Charlie Webster wants.
But it's not what we grassroots fruitcakes stand for. So don't let a little racism, sexism, homophobia, religious intolerance, perverted 19th-century moral values, or a grasp of science equivalent to that of serfs in the Middle Ages stop you from voting with your gut.
And please hurry up. Because as soon as this caucus adjourns, it's officially Easter in East Abunni. No matter what the one-world-government calendar says.
Hop to it and email comments to email@example.com.