Goodbye, Azeroth

By AL DIAMON  |  October 18, 2012

5) Lawn care. For some unfathomable reason, points for patriotism are awarded based on the quality and quantity of one's grass. (And not that kind of grass, either, vice-of-levity indulger.) Extra credit is given if you mow the yard into a representation of the American flag. Of course, once you do that, you're not allowed to walk on it.

6) Listen to really bland popular music — but no trace of irony allowed. It's time for red-blooded citizens of these United States to wrest our heritage of inconsequential 1950s tunes from the liberal hipsters who claimed it in the 1990s and called it "lounge." They thought it was cool to like stuff that was just plain awful. Good Republicans know that jazz, rock, hip hop, and alt-country are all fundamentally un-American — practically Somali, even. This country's true musical history runs from Perry Como to Billy Vaughn to Mantovani (oops, it turns out he's an anglicized Italian).

7) Buy a sugar-laden soda the size of an elephant's bladder. This stuff about calories is junk science from the same people who gave us global warming and evolution. Lots of the Founding Fathers were fat. Ben Franklin still got the hot chicks.

8) Play tackle football without a helmet. The medical profession's newfound concern with concussions is just some left-wing plot to turn us all into pussies. Those shots to the head haven't done Charlie Webster any harm.


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