The Providence Phoenix doesn’t run classified and personal ads anymore for. . . well, personal reasons (see: “Internet, The”). But that doesn’t mean that we can’t look back fondly on the days when our readers sent magical little missives to one another in our back pages.
So in honor of our 35th birthday, we dusted off our archival issues (actually, our intern Harrison did) and plucked out a few favorites. Sadly, lovebirds, you’ll have to fight the urge to reach for that rotary phone. Each of these ads has long expired.
May 2, 1979
White male, scientist, musician, part-time prophet. Tall, handsome, (alas!) well read, late 20s. Sick of all theories. Looking for house-wives, mystics, feminists, athletes, lesbians, students, nurses, workers, loafers and other women of all classes and persuasions. I need lots of love without politics. Write Box 295, Peacedale, RI 02883. (PE19).
May 16, 1979
If you enjoy the beach, but prefer the total freedom of swimming and sunbathing in the nude, join us (an informal coed group) at some of New England’s most beautiful and secluded nude beaches. Again this year we are sponsoring a free car pool service to local area nude beaches. For more information, send your name and telephone number to NewPaper Classifieds Box 104. (SE20).
May 16, 1979
Dull, unemployed male, 30, drinks to excess, smokes (hacking cough), seeks female, preferably homo-sapiens. No interests really. . . Well, maybe washing mother’s underwear. Platonic please, TERRIFIED of sex! Don’t bother to respond, Ms. Wonderful, I’m too shy and backward to reply, besides, you probably wouldn’t have a good time anyway. Andrea: Punish me, you savage! (PE25).
August 15, 1979
The aid of someone with psychic abilities is desperately needed for the recovery of a stolen object of great sentimental and material value. Familiarity with dowsing or psychometry may be helpful. This is a serious request. Persons who reply should be genuinely interested and willing to help. Call after 11 p.m. or early mornings. Leave a message if necessary. Corey 831-0593. (WA30).
May 14, 1992
TROPICAL JEWISH COWBOY
Looking for island woman to explore breathless new ways of eating mangoes. If you’re creative, sensual and beautiful let’s get ripe together.
December 24, 1992
FATSOS NEED NOT APPLY
Don’t respond to this ad if you’re fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, insincere, unemployed, a professional student, a religious nut, over 40, looking for a meal ticket, and you have children. Do respond if you are petite and attractive. You’ll meet a handsome SWM, 37, who is funny and wonderful.
June 3, 1993
SBM, soon to be millionaire, talented, producer/inventor, tall-handsome, star quality, seeks adventurous, sophisticated, sensual, physical woman, any race, for fun in and around house. 7178 (exp 6/23).
July 15, 1993
YA LIKE DIRT?
SWF, likes S&M (sewing machines), Greek (salad) & B&D (Blooming Dahlias). Be around 480 (months). Like long quiet walks? Good. I’ll putter around the garden while you’re gone. 1107 (exp 8/4).