Natural born liar

“Shots and Beer” lives in persistent denial
By PHILLIPE & JORGE  |  January 31, 2007

If you ever wanted a definition of “congenital liar,” just look at Dick “Big Time” Cheney.
You probably saw the wonderful headlines about how Big Time followed up on Dubya’s embarrassing and disingenuous State of the Union speech, citing “enormous successes” in Iraq. The snarling war enthusiast Cheney is trying to whitewash the tragic travesty he and Rummy have created.
Unfortunately, other than columnists like Maureen Dowd of the New York Times, the national mainstream news media fails to call him out for these outrageous, patent lies. Oh, except for Wolf Blitzer on CNN. Great. The only journalist with enough balls to confront Big Time about his prevarications is a cable news reporter with a name that sounds more faux than “Rock Hudson.”
Blitzer asked “Shots and Beers” Cheney about the “blunders and failures” in Iraq, a premise that the veep called “hogwash.” He also ducked questions about the pregnancy of his lesbian daughter Mary. Not to mention the GOP’s hypocrisy in dealing with gay marriages while Big Time’s progeny was not dating any of DC’s most eligible male bachelors.
The kicker for P&J was when Shots and Beers said, “The pressure is from some quarters to get out of Iraq. If we were to do that, we would simply validate the terrorists’ strategy that says the Americans will not stay to complete the task, that we don’t have the stomach for the fight.”
Don’t have the stomach? This comes from a man with a slew of deferments. (Everybody now, kiddies, for the Big Time “potato” choosing game: “One deferment, two deferment, three deferment, four; Five deferment, nail your wife and hide behind the door.”) Big Time, you not only lack the stomach, you are missing cojones, too, when it comes to doing any real fighting.
Sleep tight, Henry Kissinger.

Cold Sweat
Noses are out of joint in the Casa Diablo kitchen, and P&J have had to calm our personal chef, Marcel, about his working conditions of late.
It seems that whenever your superior correspondents have had a big dinner party — featuring folks like Senator Jim Webb, George Will, John Waters, Anna Nicole Smith, Pope Benedict, Nelson Mandela and Steve Colbert — Marcel has been forced to use the walk-in refrigerator to get to his provisions. This is because he has to work around the golden casket of James Brown.
Yes, your superior correspondents graciously offered our large cooling unit to keep the Godfather of Soul on ice (apologies to Eldridge Cleaver) until his squabbling family works out the de¬tails of where he is to be buried back in Georgia.
This is the grimmest post-mortem legal battle since the cryogenic freezing of Ted Williams’s head. We urge — and not just for Marcel’s sake — that Brown’s children and trustees come to their senses, erect the Graceland equivalent of a shrine in which his body should be entombed, and show the great man the dignity he deserves.

Books For Bush
As everyone has pointed out by now, the idea of a $500 million presidential library for Dubya Bush — at Southern Methodist University, to be established after he leaves office (and not a day too soon) — is the ultimate contradiction.
Naturally, Chimp Boy is trying his hardest to prevent the release of his private papers. P&J predict that the two largest areas at the library are bound to be the children’s section, with a special The Pet Goat exhibit, and a first-ever, unique concept for a presidential library — a flash cards section.

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