Gov. Darwin’s excellent misadventure

Palin may rally the right, but she doesn’t make the cut
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  September 3, 2008

Holy trailer park, Batman! Just when Phillipe + Jorge were thanking John “Dubya III” McCain for his veep pick of a Tina Fey look-alike with an Amy Winehouse-wannabe beehive, who is a former TV sportscaster with absolutely no national or foreign policy experience, and who is involved in a scandal over firing a public official who refused to cashier a state trooper for having divorced her sister (whew, let us take a breath here, we’re getting giddy), she now appears to have the parenting skills of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’s mother, Lynne. Welcome to Casa Diablo, Alaska Governess Sarah Palin.

Oh, and, wait for it . . . she doesn’t believe in evolution. Jackpot!

And that’s just the tip of the Prince William Sound iceberg. After the news broke that Bristol, the 17-year-old unwed daughter of Governor “Darwin,” is pregnant — something that the gov supposedly didn’t even tell her press secretary, McCain’s claims of having known all about it notwithstanding — until after Dubya III and she announced it.

But despite her Mom’s public advocacy of abstinence-until-marriage, Bristol evidently couldn’t hold out. And who could blame her when you look at young Levi Johnston, the baby’s hockey-playing father. But he’s no dumb jock.

That’s why his MySpace page, until taken down, had him boasting, “I’m a fuckin’ redneck,” and it stated, “I don’t want kids.” There’s a potential Father of the Year award recipient.

The happy couple are now planning to get married, and P+J imagine the only thing providing some relief from the cold barrel of the shotgun pressed into Levi’s back are the wads of money doubtless provided to him as a security blanket by GOP funders.

Now we enter the Twilight Zone. The upside of Bristol’s pregnancy — she is five months along — is that it ostensibly puts the lie to the many Internet rumors that she is already the mother of Governor Darwin’s four-month-old baby, Trig, born in April. While that cuts it close when one recalls some of our “Irish twin” friends, that fact should be enough to call off the bloghounds on that rather skin-crawling front.

Kudos for the GOP for giving new hope to the rest of the world that America isn’t run by clueless, lobbyist-controlled, greedy, warmongering yahoos. What better way to succeed a delusional religious freak that talks to God and supports torture than to put a person who doesn’t believe in evolution a heartbeat away from the presidency.

Denying global warming? That’s penny-ante stuff. Telling Darwin to take a hike? Now you’re talking! (Note to the corporate media: Questions about evolution versus creationism are not sacrosanct religious questions to be avoided by candidates under a “personal faith” argument. It is a scientific, not a religious, issue, and anyone who backs off pursuing that line of questioning is a wuss and a journalistic disgrace.)

Seriously, folks, while we like to have a little fun with Governor Palin, none of the following is germane: her apparent endless soap opera of a family life; her 20 months as the governor of a state smaller in population than Brooklyn; and her experience as the mayor of an Alaskan city that makes Central Falls look like Gotham.

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