Equal scary people

By AL DIAMON  |  April 8, 2009

While I'm not overly concerned about impoverished non-citizens from Somalia, Sudan, or even Chad tipping the scales in favor of increased welfare payments or improved trash collection in local slums, I'm scared to death of wealthy tourists spearheading a campaign to have the road to Stewart's mansion paved with imported Peruvian asphalt studded with emerald chips and set off by gold curbing with lapis lazuli highlights. Each street light would be a miniature of the chandelier in the grand hall at Versailles. Each fire hydrant would be modeled after a classic Greek fountain. Each municipal budget would have a bottom line like a federal bank-bailout bill.

The opposition to Alfond's proposal seems to have missed this important concern. Republican Party chairman Charlie Webster correctly termed the bill "lamebrained," but then called it "an affront ... to any person who has gone through the process of obtaining American citizenship."

The threat here doesn't come from the unlikely scenario of Chadians (Chadites? Chadders?) taking over our towns. The danger emanates from natural-born Americans, who want to remake Maine to resemble the ritzy places where they spend their winters, where the runway for Travolta's jet is made of stone blocks looted from ancient Roman roadways through Gaul, and the landing lights are exact replicas of the Hope Diamond.

Give us your tired, your poor. We can put up with them. It's your rich and well-rested we can't tolerate.

Particularly the ones named Chad.

Register your objections by e-mailing me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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