Monkeying around

Going ape at the urinal + WJAR. Plus, a compelling reason to stay healthy
By PHILLIPE AND JORGE  |  May 27, 2009

Dire fiscal conditions at most media outlets have led major local players like the Providence Journal and WJAR/Channel 10 to pursue a unique employment strategy. Both organizations are apparently looking into securing the services of trained gibbons to provide much of the support work and eventually the writing and reporting of the news.

"Initially we had looked into those monkeys in the Shakespeare project," Belo spokesmodel Adolph Faux explained to P&J, citing the six celebes crested macaques used to conduct an experiment in 2003 at the Paignton Zoo in Devon, England. "But we found that gibbons eat fewer bananas and, with the help of Mr. Ryan in Providence, we calculated that we would be saving nearly $782 a year on food alone."

While numerous jobs currently held by actual human writers at the Urinal are expected to be lost, not everyone will lose his or her position. At least one senior business writer and one or two members of the editorial staff are expected to be reassigned to cleaning the gibbon cages.

While many regular readers of the ProJo have suspected for months that the gibbon project was already well underway in the copy-editing department, Mr. Faux claimed that readers were probably confusing the earlier deadlines with a change in editing "personnel." Copy editing and headline writing department head George Orwell declined to speak with Casa Diablo.

Meanwhile, WJAR believes that their transition to an all-gibbon crew should be relatively seamless. When asked why they felt so confident, a number of veteran staffers offered this two-word rejoinder: "Dan Jaenig."

All right, you caught us this time. This is a thoroughly fake story. Nothing in it is true — well, so far as we know — but we suspect that when we rewrite it and slip it into the paper again a couple of years from now (you know, if we're still here a couple of years from now), we will fool more than the estimated 10,000 readers whose chain we yanked this time around. As you may have already suspected, gibbons have been writing the "Cool, Cool World" column for more than 30 years and have proven to be an inspiration to everyone in the news and information trade.


STOP YOUR WHINING

Yes, stop your whining for what is obviously socialized medicine, you less-than-$200,000-a-year-earning peons! Everybody has to pay, and just because the vast majority of Americans can't afford to have decent health insurance doesn't mean that we should go all effete and European and clamor for national health care. Can't you see that the Canadians and Europeans are all screaming to their governments to adopt a USA-style health system? Well, aren't they?

The rest of the world has come to the realization that health care is not something that people should be inherently entitled to, but a privilege that you earn by becoming rich. The rest of you always have the option of running into a hospital and screaming out the phrase "Hill-Burton Act! Hill-Burton Act!" That was put together just for you, so that too many people won't inconveniently drop dead on the streets from lack of decent treatment and embarrass all of the wealthy and powerful Americans.

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