The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 80-71

By  |  April 12, 2007

 

[80] ANN COULTER
Hellbitch

Honorary member of the rodded gender thanks to a conspicuous Adam’s apple and complementary set of brass balls.

[79] JOE FRANCIS
Boy gone wild

Skeevy creator of Girls Gone Wild who bullied that LA Times reporter and stuck it to both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Short of raping his own mother, is there anything this guy could do to make him less appealing to members of the opposite gender? Oh, wait, right: a video of him with a pink dildo near his butt. Bet that’ll be a popular one in the Big House now that Francis is headed to jail on contempt-of-court charges.

[78] BILL GATES
Gazillionaire

Imagine how much of a nerd you have to be to negate the inherent sexiness of some $37 billion?

[77] DICK CHENEY
Acting President of the United States

You know what they say about George W. Bush: big war, small penis. Not so for the veep, who — if you believe the photos circulating online — is apparently hung like an elephant. But as the folks are always saying, size doesn’t matter. In Cheney’s case, it’s just more of a bad, bad thing.

unsexy_dick

[76] MALE EDITORIAL STAFF OF THE BOSTON PHOENIX
Journalistic embarrassment

Tattered. Poor. Smelly. Their manhood is measured in picas.

unsexy_baghead

[75] DAVID LEE ROTH
Sad and lonely

In wake of his mid-career failure as a radio talk-show host, DLR debuted a newly shorn look that has us constantly mistaking him for someone’s gay Jewish aunt. Destroying Van Halen’s back catalogue by performing it with a fake bluegrass band didn’t help.

unsexy_dlr

[74] PEYTON MANNING
Spokesmodel

Even though we’re Patriots fans, we don’t begrudge Manning his Super Bowl victory. Honest. He’s got bad skin, resembles a life-size Hummel — hell, it’s like someone took Haley Joel Osment and stretched him vertically. In honor of his making this list, we’ve gone ahead and reserved a tee time for him in January of 2008. You know, since he won’t have anything better to do.

[73] POPE BENEDICT XVI
Bavarian buzzkill

Popes, by nature of their pope-i-ness, tend to come up short in the sexy department, but the former Cardinal Ratzinger is a step backward even from JP2. There was a certain silver-foxiness to that pontiff. Confession? Guilty as charged!

[72] GEORGE STEINBRENNER
Evil emperor

What could we say that hasn’t already been better articulated on the backs of the T-shirts they sell outside Fenway Park on game day?

[71] DR. ROBERT REY
Cut man

From his sickeningly porcelain skin to his onanistic bedside manner, the star of Dr. 90210 exudes an oozing, corporeal revulsion that’s part Hannibal Lecter, part Bronson Pinchot. Not since PBS aired Infant Skull Surgery has television addressed the blood-and-blubbery of human flesh with such a literal, detached eye. But like his victims — sorry, patients — Rey’s too-fastidious exterior does little to mask an emptiness that’s more than just skin deep.

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