The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 70-61

These guys couldn't turn on a radio
By  |  April 12, 2007

70-61

[70] ARTIE LANG
Professional sidekick

Unrepentant self-abusing beer-guzzling slob who plays Turtle to Howard Stern’s Vince. Animal House’s Dean Vernon Wormer said it best, Artie: “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

[69] THE YING YANG TWINS
Intimate clubbers

The Twins are ugly enough as it is — imagine if George Clinton and Lil’ Jon had triplets, then killed the cute one — but they get a special commendation for bookending their career with several of the unsexiest lines in all of pop music. They managed to crack the Billboard charts by whispering “Hey bitch, wait’ll you see my dick . . . I’ma beat that pussy up” in your ear. They’ve come a long way, though. The first line of their first hit, “Whistle While You Twurk,” went, "Go ahead and start and make that pussy fart.” Charming.

unsexy_twins

[68] WILLIAM OEFELEIN
Astro lover

When you first heard about the NASA love triangle gone awry, you pictured this guy — admit it — as Commander McDreamy, not as some second-rate Buzz Lightyear. Once you’ve had a fling with a woman in diapers, you might as well hang up your flight suit, player.

[67] MARIO BATALI
Celebrity chef

Ruddy-faced, red-bearded, porcine personality from the Food Network looks like The Simpsons’ Groundskeeper Willie after a decade-long hot-dog-eating contest.

[66] RUSH LIMBAUGH
Radio blowhard/knee jerk

One-time pill-popping tub o’ lard.

[65] COLIN MELOY
Milquetoast indie rocker

Pasty, dough-faced singer with a whiny, needling voice and overly ornate vocabulary. His band, the Decemberists, dress up in silly costumes and sing songs ripe with allegory, historical allusion, and literary pretension, evidently as a marketing gimmick to get people to listen to more NPR.

unsexy_meloy

[64] PETER JACKSON
Film golem

The gnomish auteur responsible for Lord of the Rings, whose costume effects are evidently inspired by looking in the mirror. May have middle-earth-like creatures living in his beard.

[63] CHAD KROEGER
Mullet king

When we put the lead vocalist of turdy rockers Nickelback on the list last year, we didn’t think his fans would come out in force to defend him quite like they did. Seriously? People actually think this dude is attractive? He looks like a lion crossbred with a chicken.

[62] LARRY BIRD
Gomer Pyle with skillz

This is a dangerous thing to say around these parts, but his earlier prowess on the basketball court does not change the fact that he was not an attractive man. In fact, his ugliness probably enhanced his mystique a little bit. Back in the ’80s, the mullet-mustache combo was frightening. Nowadays, he somewhat resembles his name.

[61] HARRY KNOWLES
Web troll

Girthsome purveyor of movie and TV gossip through his Ain’t It Cool News site. Appearance-wise, combines worst traits of Mario Batali (see #67) and John Popper (see #86).

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Related: Worst in breed: Media, The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 10-1, The 100 unsexiest men 2007: 60-51, More more >
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