Hello, Larry

By MATT TAIBBI  |  October 16, 2008

2008 LEADERBOARD
LAWRENCE PHILLIPS (CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS AND REHABILITATION)
| awe-inspiring maelstrom of self-destructive behavior, stretching across a whole adult life | mathematically inexpressible number
THUNDER COLLINS (EX-NEBRASKA) | murder and mayhem | 100
AMBIORIX BURGOS (METS) | running people over, punching women, share in 2008 Mets bullpen collapse | 99
TONY ZENDEJAS (EX-RAMS) | drugging a woman, then raping her when she was unconscious | 95
CEDRIC EVERSON AND ABE SATTERFIELD (EX-IOWA) | rape of an incapacitated person | 90
JIM LEYRITZ (EX-YANKEES) | DUI manslaughter | 90
BRADY SMITH (EX-BC) | being a drunken slob of a would-be rapist | 89
BRANDAN WRIGHT (EX-BETHUNE-COOKMAN) | running dude over with an Isuzu for owing him $200 | 89
RYDELL WOODS (EX-AKRON) | shooting at cops; getting caught with five guns and ski masks | 88
BRANDON MARSHALL (BRONCOS) | the old repeatedly-hitting-women thing | 80
JEROME MATHIS (TEXANS) | choking pregnant babymama | 75
JEREMY DEMETRIUS HARDEN (COASTAL CAROLINA) | dangling some poor young woman over a balcony | 74
ADAM JONES (COWBOYS) | being a menace to peaceful strip-club patrons everywhere; fighting his own babysitter in a bathroom, giving Roger Goodell a brain cyst | 73
VINCENT ASKEW (EX-MEMPHIS) | sex with minor, adding to "Team Tragedy" mess | 70
FABIAN WASHINGTON (RAIDERS) | red marks on girlfriend's neck | 70
AHMAD BROOKS (BENGALS) | punching chick in front of her kids, the asshole | 60
CARL ELLER (EX-VIKINGS) | assault, terrorist threats, being a generally dangerous old geezer, driving a motorcycle with busted plates | 60
JAMES HARRISON (STEELERS) | punching girlfriend to facilitate a baptism | 60 JEREMY ELDER (EX-ALABAMA) | late-night stickup | 55
TRAVIS HENRY (EX-BRONCOS) | coke dealing and possibly worse | 55
CEDRIC WILSON (STEELERS) | punching girlfriend, but not in order to facilitate a baptism | 55
MARK INGRAM (EX-GIANTS) | trying to avoid that whole federal sentencing thing | 51
TEBUCKY JONES (EX-PATRIOTS) | groping chick in casino, punching her boyfriend, biting on too many play-action fakes | 50
MAURICE SIMMONS (USC) | being the wheelman for a Compton armed mugging | 50
MIKE TYSON (BOXER) | murder for hire, possibly? | 50
SHAWNE WILLIAMS (PACERS) | harboring an accused first-degree murderer | 50
JOHN STEPHENS (EX-PATRIOTS) | sex-assault fugitive | 48
DAVID CORNACCHIA (FLA. EVERBLADES) | mid-flight assault, head-butting bystanders, exposing wine-shrunken wiener | 46
KEITH MCCANTS (EX-ALABAMA) | getting Tasered after hurling pliers and crack pipe at cops | 43
BRANDON PETTIGREW (OKLAHOMA STATE) | elbowing Stillwater's finest | 42
DAMEON MARK-KEITH SMITH (MARSHALL) | two counts of credit-card theft, having too many names | 42
RIAR GEER (COLORADO) | randomly assaulting two students, being an asshole | 40
JOSH JARBOE (OKLAHOMA) | bringing totally unnecessary .380 handgun to track meet | 40
LYNN KATOA (COLORADO) | campus assault | 40
KEITH MCLEOD (EX-PACERS) | being the latest Pacer alum to discharge a firearm in public | 40
JAJUAN SPELLMAN (LOUISVILLE) | being so high that he forgot to take a joint out of his mouth when cops pulled him over | 40
DENNIS RODMAN (EX-BULLS, PISTONS, LAKERS) | it's just sad; no joke necessary | 38
JORGE REYES AND JOHN WALLACE (OREGON) | being dumbasses and shooting .22 rounds into a neighbor's house | 37
CHRIS HENRY (EX-BENGALS) | getting arrested way too many times | 35
GEORGIA BULLDOGS (the whole school) | generally being drunken, violent retards | 34
MARCUS VICK (EX–DOLPHINS, VATECH) | DUI, disrespecting a bicycle cop, being generally an obnoxious waste of talent | 34
GERALD SMITH (EX–PENN STATE) | being the "G" that sold coke to a narc | 32
MIKE BROWN (VIRGINIA) | boosting stereo equipment from parked car and, like an idiot, trying to sell it on Ebay under his own name | 31
STEFON JACKSON (UTEP) | hindering prosecution; attracting fugitives | 31
SCOTT SPIEZIO (CARDINALS) | flipping a car in the OC, staggering away from the scene, going mental at some random citizen | 31
CHANNING CROWDER (DOLPHINS) | leaving the scene, making good early impression on Bill Parcells | 30
ANTHONY DILORETO (CAL POLY) | not realizing that seven-footers shouldn't rob banks | 30
JORDON DIZON (LIONS) | lying about a DUI before the draft | 30
DANIEL GRAHAM (BRONCOS) | ambiguous domestic-violence beef; hit a bedpost | 30
JASON HORTON (MISSOURI) | beating up "kitchen help" | 30
KENTON KEITH (COLTS) | refusing to leave a parking lot because he's a Colt and doesn't need to listen to anyone | 30
TYRONE NESBY (EX-CLIPPERS) | ginormous child-support debt | 30
DAN ROONEY (STEELERS) | hypocritical defense of girlfriend-punching players, but only the good ones | 30
RICHARD TODD BURGER (EX-JETS) | leg-breaking for Internet gambling site | 28
BRITTON COLQUITT (TENNESSEE) | DUI, hitting a car, hitting tree stump, then walking away from the scene | 28
ONTERRIO SMITH (EX-VIKINGS) | last stop on the Lawrence Phillips Express | 28
RYAN O'BYRNE (CANADIENS) | stealing a chick's purse | 27
TY LAWSON (UNC HOOPS) | pulling a pre-draft DUI | 25
LAWYER MILLOY (FALCONS) | garden variety DUI | 25
CALVIN SCHMIDTKE | blowing a promising career before it started | 25
LOFA TATUPU (SEAHAWKS) | your basic DUI | 25
JASMINE PAYNE AND ASHLIE BILLINGSLEA (SOUTH CAROLINA) | weed, theft, more theft | 24
DONALD STRICKLAND (NINERS) | being belligerent and drunk, getting caught by cops on foot, playing for the Colts at one time | 24
DREW LAVENDER (XAVIER) | provoking cops into a body search while carrying weed | 23
CHRIS HERREN (EX-CELTICS) | shooting the horse | 22
XAVIER HICKS (WASHINGTON STATE) | putting rubbing alcohol in roommate's contact-lens case| 22
DEMARCUS GRANGER (OKLAHOMA) | stealing winter coat — in Arizona; refusing to appear | 21
CHARLES PUGH (WVU) | creative use of other peoples' credit cards | 21
JAMAR HORNSBY (FLORIDA) | buying gas with dead girl's credit card | 21
JASON SHIRLEY (BENGALS) | transparently disingenuous failure-to-appear | 20
RANDY NEWSOM (AKRON AEROS) | sold shares in his future earnings in dicey scheme that Ponzi would have admired | 18
GERALD JONES AND AHMAD PAIGE (TENNESSEE) | Cheech and Chong/Up in Smoke impersonation, while in car | 12
SHAUN WHITE (X-TREME SPORTS) | spraying fire extinguisher, acting like the little douchebag he is | 11
KOBY CLEMENS (SALEM AVALANCHE) | parking-lot fracas, being Roger's son | 10
HIDEKI IRABU (YANKEES) | drowning the same in drink and bartender abuse | 10
MATT JONES (JAGUARS) | bumping rails in Fayetteville | 10
MIKHAIL MARINOVICH (SYRACUSE) | breaking into a school equipment room; adding another arrest to the family ledger | 10
BART OATES (EX-GIANTS) AND KEN DANEYKO (EX-DEVILS) | getting themselves tossed in debtor's prison | 10
JASON SMITH (KENTUCKY MAVERICKS) | buying minor league team as cover for check scam | 10
JENNA PLUMLEY (OKLAHOMA) | stealing makeup from a Wal-Mart, which more than anything else is just really sad | 6
KENNY KELLY (U. OF MIAMI) | supernaturally large quantity of weed | 5
CURTIS PULLEY (KENTUCKY) | weed, speeding, leaving UK without a QB | 5
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | popping wheelies | 5
AHMAD BRADSHAW (GIANTS) | ex-PlayStation thief gets violated | 3
ED JOHNSON (COLTS) | weed, blowing it | 3
WAKANOHO (SUMO) | possession of microscopically small amount of weed | 2
DERRICK JONES (OREGON) | operating a less-than-one-ounce "drug house" | 1
KEVIN FAULK (PATRIOTS) | contributing to the cancer-like misery of Patriots fans | 0.5
BRYAN GRIER (MAINE) | weighing 344 pounds and power-carjacking in New Hampshire | INCOMPLETE (pending psych review)
JIMMY CLAUSEN (NOTRE DAME) | quelle horreur, drinking in college | -87

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