Unsexiest 2008

[7] RYAN SEACREST
AMERICAN IDIOT

This creepy, diminutive, overly primped man-child with the carefully strategized five-o'clock shadow and more teeth than the title torture tool in the horror movie Saw IV has become the default unctuous, no-talent emcee for every meaningless event in the American pop-culture landscape. Uh, congratulations, Ryan, you're the new Dick Clark.

[6] MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

PERSIAN PINHEAD

He's the president of Iran, not Egypt, but this Vulcan-coiffed politician has got some interesting de-Nile issues. First, he smilingly tried to insist that the Holocaust never happened, zanily hosting a Holocaust-denier's all-star conference in Tehran, starring guest speaker and former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. Then he boasted that gay people simply don't exist in Iran, claiming, "We do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who told you that we have it." Um, we're not sure how you say "rainbow flag" or "amyl nitrate" in Farsi, Mahmoud, but we get the feeling that you've been down that yellow-brick road before.

[5] LOU DOBBS
BORDER BULLY

This self-serving, bloated, one-note news anchor fanned the flames of a ludicrous "Lou Dobbs for President" movement that, miraculously, had some political legs for about half a second. What were the hallmarks of a Dobbs platform? Reviving the kind of pointless left-baiting that people thought died with Joe McCarthy. Gloating about his American-flag lapel pin. Combining the wit, wisdom, and panache of Ted Baxter with the fear mongering of the Alien and Sedition Acts. Luckily, the movement deflated before he could reveal his vice-presidential running mate, coffee-export king Juan Valdez. 

[4] TOM CRUISE
MAD SCIENTOLOGIST

No matter if he's chiding other luminaries for their birthing preferences, or establishing vertical-leap records off sofas, we already knew Tom was nuts — he had us at "Hello, I'm insane." Now, though, it seems he's gone fully Cruisazy, starring in an off-the-cuckoo-charts, straight-to-YouTube promotional vid for Scientology. Highlight, among many: "Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one that can really help." That's great, Tom. Now if you'll just bust out the Google Maps and plan a field trip with some of your Scientologist buddies to drive past Darfur.

[3] LARRY CRAIG
SENATOR "GLORY, GLORY HOLE I'LL DO YA" 

We don't care what you do in your downtime between flights, Larry. Seek the illicit encounter if you must. Loiter and lurk. Send signals to the stranger in the next stall. Use code. Wiggle your fingers. Take as wide a stance as you must. It's all fine with us. But in the not-entirely-unlikely event that you get busted (the threat of bustation being, presumably, part of the turn-on), for God's sake, be a man about it. A proud man, a bi man, or a gay man.

[2] SPENCER PRATT
MTV'S LOSER HILLS-BILLY

For half a second, we hesitated putting this shamelessly self-promoting, pimply Hollywood dirtbag on the list, figuring, no matter how bad, he'd enjoy the publicity. But in terms of sheer pulsating, aggravating creepiness, the Spencer train barreled out of the station and there was no turning back. So, as much as we know he'll enjoy his moment as a regional/national laughingstock, whatevs.

[1] ROGER CLEMENS
'ROID-RAGING ROCKET

Considering Roger Clemens moth-eaten congressional testimony, this year's Unsexiest champ is a quadruple threat: baseball and legal talking heads say that he's a cheater, a liar/perjurer, a substance-abuser, and a world-class scumbag. The latter charge, mind you, reflects the fact that he threw under the bus not just his trainer pal Brian McNamee (who said he'd be willing to go to jail for Clemens) and trusted teammate Andy Pettite (whom he claimed "misremembers" testimony), but even his wife. His sexy status is further jeopardized by his Cro-Magnon mug (never have a player's looks been so betrayed by the removal of his ball cap) and, worse, the litany of grotesque anatomical details we've been forced to hear. As the Mitchell Report noted, "McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several-week period." Responded Clemens: "If he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead." Oh, is that what that is?