Unsexiest 2008

[17] ANDREW MEYER
ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Every generation has its incorrigible frat-boy icon, and it goes without saying that the Millennials deserve their simpering, smart aleck, entitled, fame-whore of a cultural legend. There he is, captured for eternity: rambling like a maniac, then resisting arrest, then that final, forever phrase — four words laced with terror, intractable hope, impossible odds: "Don't tase me, bro!"

[16] PACMAN JONES
STRIP-CLUB METEOROLOGIST

Someone needs to explain the concept to Pacman: if you're gonna make it rain dollar bills in da clurrrrb, you don't get to pick which strippers scoop 'em up. And you certainly don't get to smash girls' heads on the stage for pocketing your cash without your permission, leading to a kerfuffle in which someone in your entourage shoots a bystander, leaving said bystander paralyzed.
 

[15] HARRISON FORD
OLD AS A MODEL T

The earring, the anorexic girlfriend, the inability to nail his lines in the trailer for the upcoming Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Dr. Jones's sex appeal is drooping faster than his jaw line. Mind you, as one of Hollywood's legendary assholes fades into irrelevance, there are few tears in Tinseltown.

[14] JOHN McCAIN
PREHISTORIC POLITICIAN

There's something charming about this maverick politician who spent half a decade in solitary confinement in the Hanoi Hilton. Charming, that is, until you realize this crazy-as-a-Canadian-coin escaped-nursing-home resident wants to grab the reins of the world's last-remaining (and fast-declining) superpower. And then conduct a thousand-year campaign in Iraq. His sexiness isn't helped by the fact that his skin is slowly sloughing off his skeleton. Or that his left-hand blinker has been on for the past three years.

[13] SAM LUTFI
BRITNEY'S BÊTE NOIR

You can't make this stuff up: a guy named Osama ("Sam" is just his nickname) swoops in and more or less kidnaps the biggest pop star on the planet, who also happens to be a suicidal, head-shaving mental patient. He allegedly drugs her, cuts her phone lines, calls her a whore and an unfit mother (well . . . ), then pimps her out to the gazillion paparazzi stationed outside her mansion door. "If you try to get rid of me," he reportedly told Brit's mom, "she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave." All from a guy who makes Phil Spector look like Captain Kangaroo.

[12] JOHN GIBSON
BROKEBACK MORALIST

They say after age 40, you get the face you deserve. And Gibson's— smirking mouth of yellowy, Chiclet-sized teeth; sallow skin; beady eyes framed by unstylish glasses; hair a cross between that of a televangelist's and Eraserhead's — is the perfect match for his twisted personality. It's not that the Fox News host is conservative; it's that he's a prick. Mere hours after Heath Ledger's death, Gibson opened his radio program with funeral music, then called Ledger a "weirdo" and mocked him repeatedly, taunting the late thespian with variations on the Brokeback Mountain catchphrase, "I wish I knew how to quit you." Thankfully, his TV show was recently canceled. He still has his radio show, and he still has a face for radio, too.

[11] BILL BELICHICK
FOOTBALL FILMOGRAPHER

Spygate was Belichick's Lewinsky moment: it wasn't the cheating that made him a goon; it was the arrogance and the brazen stupidity. Suddenly, he wasn't just a brusque genius in a short-sleeve-cutoff hoodie. Now he's a sleaze, the NFL equivalent of the creepy guy in a raincoat trying to shoot up-skirt videos in public ladies' restrooms.

[10] PEREZ HILTON
YENTA SKEEZE

Responsible newsman Perez Hilton (née Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr.) operates a cruel, bafflingly popular Web site about celebrities on which he posts unflattering photographs and defaces them with childish lettering and crude insults. The poodle-faced, pudgy, sometimes-pink-haired, openly gay blogger also has a penchant for outing actors who don't exactly want their sexual preferences discussed in the public sphere. We don't know who loathes him more, the closeted gays whom he shuns for wanting privacy, or the straight stars whom he mocks for being fat, ugly, bitchy, or all of the above. On that last count, at least, pot calling the kettle black, much?

[9] ELIOT SPITZER
THE LUV GUV

Oh, Client 9: what big ears you have! And you know what they say, right? The bigger a man's ears . . . the more he spends on hookers! The ex-governor wasn't exactly a New York sex symbol, even when he was beating the pants off Wall Street crooks. Now that the FBI's got his pay-to-lay madame on a wiretap calling him "difficult" and revealing his predilection for riding bareback with prostitutes, it's safe to say that he's significantly reduced his potential partner pool to a handful of revenge-seeking men looking for payback in cellblock D.

[8] DR. PHIL
TOUCHY FEELER 

As if Britney Spears's sorry-ass life couldn't reach a lower low, her parents apparently foisted TV celebrity-parasite Dr. Phil McGraw on her while she was checked into a mental hospital. Could that get any worse? If you already felt like heaving yourself repeatedly onto a rusty pile of sharp nails, how were you supposed to have been helped by the unwelcome appearance of a self-serving mustachioed blowhard with a "Dueling Banjos" drawl?