[27] ELI MANNINGHELMET HEAD
We don't care how many times this luckier-than-Las Vegas sonofabitch smacks down our beloved Pats: the mushier-faced of Mama and Papa Manning's pro-QB offspring is a total goober. The New York Football Giants' newly minted comeback kid utterly lacks the sultch and steam of even his older brother Peyton (also a grade-A goober). Eli's the boy next door . . . if your neighbor is a soft-brained, elephant-eared pigskin tosser.
[26] LARRY THE CABLE GUYUTILITY TOOL
Ah, the Ugly American: hear him belch. Drawling borderline-racist one-liners from his corn-fed cakehole, he slumps ominously toward the microphone like a leftover Swanson TV dinner slouching toward Gomorrah. Fat, witless, and proudly ignorant, he is our Jabba, and we, America — we are his iron-bikini-clad princess, chained to his tumescent, malodorous chuckle.
[25] MATT DRUDGEDRUDGE OF THE EARTH
Loathsome yellow journalists are a dime a dozen these days, but few are as physically and intellectually repellent as guilty pleasure Drudge. Consider both the oblong face protruding from his neck like a misshapen peg in a misshapen hole and the pressman's fedora resting uncomfortably atop his head like a bridal figurine on a turd.
[24] MIKE WALLACESENIOR-CITIZEN SHILL
He didn't make the cut because he's a shadow of his former self, nor because he appears to have been mummified by the studio lighting. No, Mike's sin was transparently pretending to badger his Yankee buddy Roger Clemens while giving him a soft forum for spouting denials of his gluteal injections.
[23] ISIAH THOMASHOLD THE MSG
The NBA's league-leading sexual harasser exhibits fast-break unsexiness at its finest. For real, though: in what universe does a coach who embarrasses his franchise with terrible decision making, an abysmal win-loss record, and genuinely disgusting behavior get to keep his gig? Only in New York.
[22] JEFF CONAWAYHACK
Jeff's had his troubles, no doubt about that. We saw the often enraged has-been puking and shuddering his way through the first episodes of VH1's Celebrity Rehab, powered by his drug-diva distortion blues. Back in the day, Mr. Conaway was a devil-may-care rock-and-roll-ish rebel, and not a bad-looking dude (mind you, in sort of a Keith Richards-y way). But now . . . oh, dear. The ex-Taxi star looks more than a bit like the Reverend Jim Ignatowski.
[21] ALBERTO GONZALESMEMORY LOSER
The puffy, obtuse face of Alberto Gonzales is slightly pockmarked, as if untruthfulness has begun to eat away at his skin like acid. This clueless former attorney general might want to work a little Gingko into his dietary routine — under questioning, he can't seem to remember a goddamn thing. Which, ironically, would earn him a not very pleasant exchange in a torture chamber. See how those "I do not recall"s sound with 17 buckets of Perrier poured down your gullet.
[20] KEVIN JONASAGING BOY-BANDER
This past year, young Nick Jonas was rumored to be dating Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus. Which quickly led to a rumor that perhaps Miley was dating his brother Joe on the side. One thing it didn't lead to? A rumor that she was dating Kevin. That's because the oldest and least talented of the three Jonas Bros. is a doofus, red-headed stepchild to his sizzling siblings. Add up other less-talented musical brothers Dennis Wilson, Tito Jackson, and Dave Davies, then divide by the square root of Danny Bonaduce, and you begin to get the not-so-pretty picture.
[19] DON IMUSBROADCAST BORE
Forget the fact that he made some stupid comments about a women's basketball team — anybody who keeps his mouth open for that many hours a day will be compelled, sooner or later, to utter every kind of available idiocy. No, what puts Imus on the list is his incredibly tedious, brand-solidified, gum-chewing, geezer-in-a-Stetson shtick, and his status as figurehead for broadcasting's most moronic innovation ever: the televised radio show.
[18] RUPERT MURDOCHIT'S HISSPACE, WE'RE JUST LIVING IN IT
Like a fat kid speed-snarfing fistfuls of birthday cake, Rupert Murdoch can't stop manhandling media outlets. The shriveled septuagenarian seems hell-bent on morphing the world's news into one giant nutrition-less hamster pellet, overseen eerily by an omnipotent conglomerate. Thanks to you, Mr. Murdoch, the nation's news holes are shrinking faster than your hairline.Bonus points: having two more kids after he hit the 70 mark.
