Unsexiest 2008

[38] HULK HOGAN
RING WRETCH

What you gonna do when this chrome-domed, oddly creased, hyper-tanned hellbilly (who the AP reported slipped a hulka burnin' love to his daughter's best friend) is runnin' wild over you, brother?

[37] RALPH NADER
UNSEXY AT ANY SPEED

Not satisfied with corn-holing the American citizenry via his tragic, spazz-tastic 2000 run for the presidency — the one that cost Al Gore crucial votes and saddled us with the humanitarian disaster that is George W. Bush — this egomaniacal fruitcake is gearing up to do it again. Spoiler alert: fasten your seatbelts, his fifth campaign for the Oval Office will also be unsuccessful! Unfortunately, it may again siphon off enough votes to leave us in Iraq through the next millennium. "He couldn't have a wife," one of Nader-Vader's anti-corporate-crusading staffers once told Mother Jones. "He's up all night reading the Congressional Record." Allow us to suggest another explanation: he's an emotionless crash-test dummy.

[36] LARRY BIRKHEAD
SHALLOW GENE-POOLER

In the matter of Larry Birkhead and the late Anna Nicole Smith, small wonder that Smith's clay-faced babydaddy was the dark-horse candidate to be named Dannielynn's father. Even among the swarm of larva-esque ex-lovers and lawyers that descended over Anna's dead body, Birkhead stood out as a loser among losers.
 

[35] ZAK EFRON
MR. TWEEN-JEANS

Was he the one who leaked that nude photo of High School Musical co-star and girlfriend Vanessa Anne Hudgens on the Internet? If so, then there's a special place for Zac Efron in the lowest concentric ring of celebrity hell, right next to any guy associated with Anna Nicole Smith. If not, well, Zac has still earned Unsexiest points for his laughable post-tween physical transformation. These days, Efron is sporting skinny ties, tight black trousers, dirty hair, eyeliner, and a Conor Oberst pout. Hey, Zacky: if you're going to play in Mommy's make-up, at least learn to blend it better.

[33 + 34] TAGG AND CRAIG ROMNEY
STORMIN' MORONS

By far the most unpleasant family of any presidential candidate's, the Romney brood was obnoxiously on display during Mitt's disastrous Republican bid. They seemed to multiply as the campaign rolled on, smiling and spinning like a squeaky-clean Mormon version of the Stepfords. Most annoying of all of them was oldest (and doofiest) son Tagg, who Slate noted bragged on his blog that he was the smartest Romney sibling, that his brother Craig made the stinkiest farts of all the Romney offspring ("My daughter used to call him Skunkle for good reason"), and, perhaps most offensive of all, that his favorite musician is Billy Joel.

[32] ERIC MANGINI
TAPING TURNCOAT

For starters, he's got jubbly man-boobs. But the least attractive thing about this rat is the way he benefited from the illegal practice of videotaping opponents' signals, then, when convenient, outed his lifelong mentor, Bill Belichick, setting Spygate into motion. For this, he rightfully earned the nickname given him by Pats fans: "Mangina."

[31] CHRIS CROCKER
TOO MANY TEARDROPS FOR ONE HEART TO BE CRYIN'

An androgynous vlogger — there's an appealing phrase, eh? — piled on a disturbing amount of eyeliner and turned on the sprinklers in his shrieking YouTube plea to "leave Britney alone!" It was an act that suggested Edmund Muskie in a Madonna video. Somewhere, John Waters is writing his next movie.

[30] WILL FERRELL
OVEREXPOSER

Of all the varieties of genius, comic genius seems to be the most exhaustible, for the simple reason that a joke is only funny the first 17 times. Semi-Pro, his latest film in which Ferrell goofs '70s-style on the male libido (er, again), is the 18th time. You're wearing out your brand, dude. Stop stroking your nipples and find some better scripts. Oh, and one favor. Not that we'll be actively seeking out any more of your soulless corporate comedies, but if we're on a plane or something and we happen to glance at the screen, would you mind — just once — refraining from showing your hairy jelly belly or naked, lumpy buttocks?

[29] MITT ROMNEY
TIGHTY WHITEY

His standout achievements this past year? His false contention that his father marched with Martin Luther King (outed as untrue by the Phoenix) and his self-sacrificial concession speech, in which he noted that his dropping out of the presidential race was actually a patriotic act during wartime. Certainly no sexy achievements in that lot. Then again, as a birth-right Mormon, the case could be made that the former Massachusetts governor has never done a sexy thing in his life. Of course, to be fair, it's hard to sustain even a brief moment's sexiness when you're wearing bullet-stopping, fire-preventing magic underpants.

[28] DONALD TRUMP, JR.
JUNIOR MINT

If Trump Jr. stands to inherit his father's real-estate and media empire, we can revel in the fact that he has also inherited many of the characteristics that landed his old man the number-one spot on our Unsexiest list of 2007: bad hair, nepotism, entitlement, greed, pathological self-regard, and the unfortunate permanent pucker of a person who appears to have just smelled one of his own farts.