Unsexiest 2008

[90] KEITH URBAN
CROCODILE DUMMY

Rehab-prone metrosexual cowpoke has avoided incessant Brokeback Mountain jokes by inexplicably attracting Nicole Kidman (who herself has seen better days pre-Botox). Doesn't change the fact that this Aussie country singer looks like Ellen DeGeneres with five-o'clock shadow.

[89] HENRY WAXMAN
CONGRESSIONAL PORKER

As chairman of the House's Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, the porcine-nosed congressman did his damnedest to sniff out performance-enhancing malfeasance in baseball — but he looks more like he should be sniffing out truffles in the Périgord.

[88] LARRY BIRD
PERSONALLY FOUL

The Hick from French Lick may no longer sport the short-shorts and signature mustache from his pyrotechnic-shooting days. But his weak chin, questionable wardrobe, and stewardship of the Indiana Pacers (which, under his management, have turned into one of the most criminally behaved of all sports franchises), have helped him stay among the Unsexiest elite.

[87] ANDREW SPEAKER
MUST-SEE TB

Coulda-been-one-man-plague-trigger hopped a plane in Atlanta, flew to Paris to Athens to Mykonos to Rome to Prague to Montreal, and then drove across the border, all while infected with extensively drug-resistant tuberculosis. As punishment, should have to wear a condom over his head for the next three years.

[86] KHALID SHEIK MOHAMMED
RELUCTANT BACK-WAXER

Waterboarding couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

[85] JEFF FOXWORTHY
RENOWNED REDNECK

Smarter than a fifth grader? Nope. Uglier than Chewbacca? Uh, yup.

[84] BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL
JAILHOUSE JUNKIE

Mr. Amy Winehouse is such a degenerate loser that he makes Pete Doherty seem like a model citizen. Already locked up in jail for assault and witness tampering, it was in prison that BFC reportedly almost offed himself with a heroin overdose. 

[83] WOODY ALLEN
EARLY ADOPTER

Recently celebrated his 10th wedding anniversary to Soon-Yi. Disgusting reminder, as everyone surely knows: that's a full decade of blissful partnership with his babymama's adopted daughter.

[82] MICHAEL JACKSON
BOY SCOUT

Though you'd think it would be physically impossible because he consistently sets the bar so high, this dude just get exponentially creepier every year. Off the charts.

[81] BRUCE JENNER
JENNER BENDER

This one-time Olympian-decathlete gold medalist now sports a glistening, feminine visage that's made him the poster lady for bad plastic surgery. Put that on your Wheaties box.