John Forbes Kerry

Office:	U.S. Senator, Massachusetts
Political party:	Democratic
Term of office:	January 1985-present
Preceded by:	Paul Tsongas
Succeeded by:	Incumbent (2009)
Born:	December 11, 1943 Aurora, Colorado
Died:
Spouse:	(1) Julia Thorne, divorced; (2) Teresa Heinz Kerry

John Forbes Kerry (born December 11, 1943) is the junior United States Senator from Massachusetts. "Junior," at least, until that corpulent blowhard Edward M. Kennedy ("Liberal Lion," my ass) finally succumbs to years of heavy drinking, crashes his yacht on the shoals off Hyannisport, or retires to sip Jameson, write barely literate children's books and spend quality time with his funny-looking Portuguese Water Dog, Splash.

In 2004, he made an unsuccessful bid for the United States presidency as the nominee for the Democratic Party. He would have won, were it not for the felonious tampering of electronic voting machines in several districts of Ohio, and the craven "Swift Boat" ads put out by allies of George W. Bush, a sniveling coward and abject failure at everything he's attempted in life, who avoided service in the Vietnam War thanks to his wealthy daddy's political connections.

He returned to the Senate after the election, and redoubled his efforts to fight for the rights of regular working people. Although he is the richest senator, and his wife, Teresa Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry, has a fortune in the neighborhood of $750 million, Kerry still cares deeply about the plight of the common plebe. He is known for his unwavering opposition to the Iraq War, except when expediency requires that he be in favor of it.

Kerry is a world-class snowboarder, wicked fast windsurfer, and an awesome guitarist. He has many celebrity friends (including Jack Black and Dave Grohl) and is beloved by black people and the French alike. He still has great hair.

Contents 1 Family history and childhood years 1.1 First words 1.1.1 "Filibuster" 1.1.2 "Bicameral" 1.1.2 "Quorum" 1.2 Popularity with peers 1.3 Athletic prowess 1.4 European trips 1.4.1 Participation in French Resistance 1.4.2 Sherwood Forest camping trip 2 Sailing jaunt with John F. Kennedy 2.1 Initials stolen by 3 St. Paul's School (1958-1962) 3.1 4.0 GPA 3.2 Ice hockey team 3.2.1 Five hat-trick season 3.3 The Electras (rock and roll band) 3.3.1 Missed opportunity to open for Beatles 3.3.2 Groupies made out with 4 Yale University (1962-1966) 4.1 Keg stands performed, beer pong dominance 4.2 Skull & Bones membership 4.2.1 Atomic wedgie administered to pledge George W. Bush 4.3 Academic honors 4.3.1 Phi Zappa Crappa 4.3.2 Egregia Summa Cum Laude 5 Military Service (1966-1970) 5.1 Boot camp 5.1.1 Cornet virtuosity 5.1.2 Bed short-sheeted 5.2 Vietnam war 5.2.1 First Purple Heart 5.2.2 Second Purple Heart 5.2.3 Silver Star 5.2.4 Bronze Star and Third Purple Heart 5.3 Medals stolen by Jane Fonda 6 Political career 6.1 Lieutenant Governor of Massachusetts 6.1.1 Height differential between Kerry and Michael Dukakis 6.2 United States Senate 6.2.1 "Irish every sixth year" 6.2.2 Dan Quayle joke controversy 6.2.3 Subcommittee on oenophilia and continental culinary affairs 6.2.4 Tasteful redecoration of Russell Building office 7 Personal life 7.1 Morgan Fairchild 7.1.1 Total hotness of 7.2 Catherine Oxenberg 7.2.1 Vast wealth of 7.3 Beacon Hill residence 7.3.1 Fire hydrant removed from sidewalk in front of 7.4 Ducati Paso 907 IE (motorcycle) 7.4.1 Land speed record set on 7.5 "The Scaramouche" (speedboat) 7.5.1 World circumnavigation record planned for 7.6 Boston Red Sox 7.6.1 Instrumental role in helping win 2004 World Series 7.6.2 Close friendship with Manny Ortez