The Massachusetts governor’s election is just six short months away, but three candidates — Republican lieutenant governor Kerry Healey, Democratic attorney general Tom Reilly, and independent businessman Christy Mihos — still haven’t rolled out any video ads. (Two other candidates, Democrats Deval Patrick and Chris Gabrieli, have run ads on the Web and on TV, respectively.)
Maybe Healey, Reilly, and Mihos are waiting for strategic reasons. Then again, they could be having creative issues. If that’s the case, here — totally free of charge — are some suggestions for the tardy threesome:
Ad title: “¡Peligro!” With screen dark, narrator — James Earl Jones? — asks ominously, “Why does Massachusetts need Kerry Healey?” Cue classroom scene at “Massachusetts State University,” w/ Latino students misbehaving in middle of room (shooting spitballs, making out, dancing salsa) and white students cowering in margins. School bell rings. Cut to shot of three Latino youths walking to school parking lot and piling into an El Camino as one shouts, “Let’s get some cervezas, muchachos!” Cut to shot of Latinos drinking raucously in bar (NOTE: jerky camera work here, like Colt 45 ad w/ Billy Dee Williams). Cut to shot of Latinos exiting bar. Latino A: “You good to drive, amigo?” Latino B: “What are they going to do, Paco? Take my license away?” Sinister laughter. Cut to shot of El Camino careening down Main Street in idyllic small town, climbing curb outside white-steepled church, flipping into air, and flying toward young mother pushing triplets in stroller (NOTE: must be attractive — pink Red Sox hat?). Freeze frame just before impact, w/ terror etched on mom’s face. Narrator: “Healey for governor. Because the alternative is just too horrible.”
Ad title: “Everyman” In lavish Beacon Hill manse, three men in tuxes and woman in fancy dress sit around fancy table covered w/ pile of cash. Extra-large cutout heads cover each actor’s face: Christy Mihos, Chris Gabrieli, Deval Patrick, Kerry Healey (NOTE: actor in dress must wear Healey head). “We don’t always agree, old chums,” says “Mihos,” w/ vaguely British accent. “But at the end of the day, we’ve got one thing in common . . .” “Healey” finishes thought: “We’re all obscenely wealthy!” (NOTE: normal Healey accent okay). Cue atonal string music: laughter all around; “Gabrieli” kisses “Healey’s” (gloved?) hand and refills her Champagne glass; “Mihos” lights “Patrick’s” cigar w/ $100 bill. Camera pans to Tom Reilly, standing in doorway and shaking head in disbelief. “The rich are different than you and me, all right,” Reilly says. Pause. “They’re a bunch of assholes!” Cut to slow-mo shot of Reilly walking in Watertown on summer night, waving to neighbors, petting dog, helping old lady, etc. (NOTE: upbeat guitar music preferable here — Tom Petty?) Reilly walks to door of his two-bedroom apartment, pauses, turns to camera: “I’m Tom Reilly. And I don’t have much money.”
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Ad title: “Heroes” (NOTE: Copland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man” a must here.) Fade into black-and-white image of Rosa Parks. Narrator: “Rosa Parks is a civil-rights hero.” Fade into image (b&w) of Martin Luther King. Narrator: “Martin Luther King is a civil-rights hero.” Fade into image (b&w) of Gandhi. Narrator: “Mahatma Gandhi is a civil-rights hero.” Fade into image (still b&w — remove color if necessary) of dude standing in front of tanks in Tiananmen Square. Narrator: “That one Chinese guy is a civil-rights hero.” Suspend “Fanfare” and cue menacing synth swell; fade into b&w image (computer generated?) of ex-guv Jane Swift mouthing, “You’re fired” (NOTE: make her look fat!). Back to “Fanfare,” and fade into final image — color this time! — of Christy Mihos (NOTE: maybe shoot on Cape w/ water in background, but do not film the house). Narrator: “Christy Mihos. . . is a civil-rights hero.” Hold shot of Christy, who speaks off-screen: “I’m Christy Mihos. And I’ll be your hero . . . in the State House!”