I asked her to move out, which she took very badly. Of course everyone — family, friends, neighbors — is asking what happened. I’m also seriously missing the woman I thought would be my wife. Am I forcing my morality on her, as she insists? Or is ditching her a no-brainer? I can’t even think clearly anymore. Is this a case of DTBFA — dump the brotherfucker already?
— Serious Incest Since Teens Eliminated Her
What is with the incest letters lately? Was the incest taboo rescinded, and only SISTEH and I failed to get the memo? Motherfuckers, brotherfuckers, fatherfuckers — just reading the subject lines on my e-mails is giving me screaming nightmares. Eesh.
Listen, SISTEH: dumping the brotherfucker was the right thing to do — a no-brainer, a definite case of DTBFA. Would you want the future mother of your children to regard incest as anything other than the taboo-to-the-tenth-power that it is and, if I have anything to say about it, always will be? And don’t worry about your ex-girlfriend’s future prospects: there’s a guy besides her brother out there for her somewhere. Google can help her find a guy who has both a cuckold and an incest fetish, i.e., the kind of guy who is not only turned on by the thought of his mate being unfaithful, but who would find it extra-special nifty if his wife was cheating on him with her own brother. That guy ain’t you.
As for your family, friends, and neighbors, refrain from telling them the whole truth — your ex has enough problems without everyone knowing she’s a brotherfucker. But when you’re asked why the two of you broke up, SISTEH, you have every right to say that she was cheating on you with another man.
There’s nobody else I can ask about this, so I hope you can reply. I’m a straight woman in my mid-forties. I’ve been married for more than two decades. Ten years ago, my husband’s already low sex drive disappeared altogether. He won’t talk about it. I know he’s not having an affair.
I ran into an old lover and we had an amazing one-afternoon fling.
Realizing I couldn’t live without sex any longer, I told my husband (nicely — it is hard to say things like this to someone you love) that I didn’t think he cared what I did, and he didn’t disagree. (I didn’t tell him about the fling.) Now I’ve met a gentleman who is sweet and kind and attentive. He is married and in the same situation I am. Discretion is absolute, and we play safe. When we make love, I can’t believe I waited so long.
This relationship has made me happier than I’ve been in years. I feel alive and healthier, and all those little daily annoyances bother me less. Coworkers have remarked on how “well” I look. Is there anything wrong with what I’m doing? Is there anything wrong with me that I am not feeling guilty?
— Frustrated No More
You have nothing to feel guilty about, FNM.
Your infidelity, your discretion, and your compassion are saving not one but two marriages. While your actions fall short of the romantic ideal of marriage, your marriage falls short of that ideal — and so does your lover’s marriage. You’ve both accepted your imperfect spouses for who they are, and your imperfect marriages for what they are, and you’ve made the kind of imperfect accommodation that allows many passionless but otherwise valuable marriages to survive. In a case like yours, FNM, infidelity can be the loving, responsible, marriage-salvaging choice. Stop feeling guilty. Enjoy.
