Nothin' but mammals
Speaking of getting horny, how about those damn bonobos? With their rampant orgies and frequent female self-pleasuring, who doesn't want to devolve? But primates aren't the only mammals strokin' it up. Elephants use their trunks. Dolphins rub up against seaweed. And killer whales, well . . . that's a bit of a mystery (it's been awhile since we rented Free Willy), but some scientists claim it happens. Though birds don't have the typical naughty bits to fondle, some males will apparently rub their cloaca (reproductive gland) against objects until ejaculation.
Call it what you will . . .
MALE Arguing with Henry Longfellow, badgering the witness, beating the bishop, burping the worm, choking Kojak, charming the snake, cleaning the rifle, cuddling the kielbasa, draining the monster, fishing with dynamite, making the bald man cry, nulling the void, paddling the pickle, pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap, ramming the ham, shaking hands with Abe Lincoln, smiting the pink knight, visiting with Papa Smurf, wrestling the eel
FEMALE Yanking the ya-ya, wading in the Bermuda Triangle, two-finger taco tango, tickling the little man in the boat, soaking the whisker biscuit, quackling the queen, polishing the peanut, playing the banjo, buffin' the muffin, ménage à moi, letting the beaver swim, hitchhiking under the big top, greasing the gash, flicking the bean, driving Miss Daisy, creamin' the pie, buttering your bagel, buffing the weasel, airing the orchid, unbuttoning the fur coat
Shooting stars
BONUS A list of the top 10 Star Wars euphemisms for masturbation (something that comes in handy on the lonely, cold nights camped outside Skywalker Ranch).
10) Grooming the Wookie
9) Polishing Vader's Helmet
8) Evacuating Tatooine
7) Unsheathing the Meatsaber
6) Releasing the Special Edition
5) Communicating with Red Leader One
4) Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
3) Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2) Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
1) Test Firing the Death Star
Share your techniques by e-mailing yoursecretadmirer@thephoenix.com. Additional reporting for this column done by Alexis Hauk.
